Small mistakes, Minor issues
School has finally started: full throttle. Everyone has their first assignments going, in fact even a first ever graded class presentation. All indicating the start of another kick a** semester.

Now, as a ritual I always start each semester with a little resolution- about something I wish to fulfill as a person in the course of that sem. I find it makes me more focused and less distracted by ulterior stuff.

However, small mistakes and minor issues are a perpetual complaint for me. I sometimes think that it's quite a GIRLY thing...wondering about small, stupid, often the most incredibly, inconspicuous things.

Or maybe, it's just me. I think my emo-meter is fantastically sensitive. Thats why, things that don't even feature in other people's radar-often blink boldly on mine.

So this sem's resolution was to completely ignore the little demons. Not deconstructing the anatomy of verbal exchanges (I think I'll never get enough of applied psychology) or perhaps cursing myself on the 'little' errors that converted that A to a B+..*sigh*(I know I'm a geeky girl: no need to rub it in). Not thinking too seriously about the damn radio buttons or the god forsaken HTML coding....

Its crazy, how much importance we give to such SMALL stuff.

Some megha-esque person, once said that the small details make up the bigger picture. Hmm..I understand that fully...but sometimes looking too closely destroys the beauty of the panaroma. period.

Bottomline: I'll try ignoring the small Stuff and giving more value to the BIGGER things.
Small mistakes and minor issues are a part of life..and I have to just take them in my stride. No two ways about it.

On One sided, negative thinking
I'm rather fond of reading books, reading them slow and steady-digesting all the details. Which is why, unlike Winnie and Joseph, I'm better at remembering even the complicated Russian names in Russian novels..But jokes apart..I'm also terribly fond of writing and I find that the reflections authors offer in their novels are quite intriguing. Some of the traits are scarily similar to my person.

Currently, I'm reading Tolstoy's timeless classic 'Anna Karenina'. Today I read this bit wherein, through the character of Levin, Tolstoy remarks on one sided, negative thinking. Giving the example of death: Levin looks at the dying man and feels scared and repulsed. But his wife looks and feels a deluge of emotions and an over powering urge to alter things. This affects Levin: why could he not think the same way. Why did he hopelessly give in to death? Couldn't he have thought of-perhaps making the last days of the dying man pleasent...

This ofcourse is a very intellectual example. But I find that this kind of an approach to things is quite common. We look at people, and those unattractive to our eyes are given up in an instance. Can't we perhaps think of giving them a chance. Maybe their situation in life is because of some incorrigible reason. Talking of something closer to my life: tech fear. You know, the moment I lay my eyes on any machine with lots of buttons I totally succumb to this wierd fear that stuff will go wrong. I can just feel my fear and not think otherwise. Why cannot I take it that I'm learning something which might prove useful to me? Why do I just give it up as a botched job? Why can't I get over making a total fool of myself? The same thing happened with swimming. When in the water, I could just feel the fear and not that here was something that would perhaps help me shed some baby fat that has accompanied me for eons it seems and prove 'quite fun', as Eva and later Fer put it.

So, upon chancing on this intellectual offering from Tolstoy, I decided to try taking a different, more optimistic approach to stuff. Not fretting over the technicalities in Radio 2 (when we haven't even started), giving a shot to Dreamweaver (what the hell was I thinking) and yeah...swimming the entire breadth of my condo's pool without once succumbing to the fear of drowning (I know I'm a total idiot sometimes). It felt great.

An anonymous author offered: "Can't died in the battle of Try". When it comes to a mind issue like this, I SO agree.

A Thank You Note
I've a principle in life: to try and appreciate the finer things (books, art, good writing) and the goodness in people. Not that I religiously follow it. But still appreciating things and people who deserve it, is a trait I would absolutely love to develop in full strength. I still feel paiseh (shy) sometimes, telling some people just how NICE they are and how good they make me feel.

You know how, when you feel all grown up..you resist hugging and telling your mum that you absolutely LOVE her and can't imagine your life without ranting to her, or maybe telling your best friend that she is the epitome of super fantastic. My friend added, that its even harder for the guys....I agree. I know this guy who took like 2 years to tell 'the one for him' that he was in love with her and willing to give the commitment of a lifetime.

I find that sometimes, we become so immune to this sort of thing that even the simple thank you does not come out convincingly. Why? I ask you. My friend again added: who has time for manners? This is the forte of the aristocratic, well bred being. Sophistication, is out. You need to scream to be heard and go all bling bling. Just standing mutely, expecting polite niceness will bring you nowhere. Alas! she turned out to be quite right. But I still ain't giving up. How much ever you try convincing me to develop some shades of the bad girl, I will continue to be the good girl. Even if that brings me more harm than use, because I believe and trust in it.

Won't make it anymore long drawn. Just a little thank you to some people who make life more pleasureable for me:
-My family
-Nihi
-Tharu (will give you the KKHH CD soon)
-Shaheen (lecture day company rocks..hahaha)
-T204/09: you guys, Winnie, Fer, Eva, Yingmin, Eunice...all of you are GR8 people to be with=).
-To all those people who I have not named *space constraints* but appreciate anyways.

Lessons of Life: part IV
Here, I'm back again with another rather influential lesson of my life- Being in touch with your softer, emotional side.

Life can get cruel, it can hurt you and break your kind heart into a zillion pieces. All the things you ever dreamt of can come crashing down in a milli second and then again you are thrown into the cold playing field called reality where people are selfish, aggression is glorified, money is ALL and emotions are circumsized and sidelined.

In this havoc I find that it becomes very easy for people to loose themselves. Languish in vices. Stash up piles of unexpressed anger. Lock up a flood of tears. Forget being emotional, soft, sensitive and giving human beings.

I've been through it. Really. Twenty years is a LONG time and I find that my life has been a very good and experiential teacher. More than any other, it has grilled in this lesson. So that I never forget that real peace lies in looking inside and connecting with your own emotions and thoughts rather than outside for ephemeral pleasures, no matter what my station be.

In suffering, as in happiness: maintain an emotional dimension. Cry, get angry, laugh aloud- do whatever, but get that feeling right. Don't fake. For when you fake it...you break it. Thats my mantra.

Find people who can get you in sync with your emotions. Do whatever you can to get in touch with your emotions. Life may not alter drastically, but you will and that more than suffices. period.

Good night and sweet dreams.=)

Meeting 'people'
Things always have a start and an end...hmm...So holidays ended and new semester started for me and many others. Read my last account for an overview.

Now, although my policy states: nothing personal. I would still like to blog about school this week. Not the boring stuff..but enlightening stuff. You see, I fully understand the words of advice: Nobody CARES about your personal life...unless, they know you..or are just too terribly bored...or for whatever stupid reasons. But still, here you have it.

Lecture day, as you can can make out from the previous...was bloody long and damn tiring. But..you know nothing can beat the delight in meeting characters.I mean in a nice way and this semester we really have fanastically "characteristic" teachers...Especially the communication issues lecturer, who is like no other 'professor' I've met before.

Imagine, its the end of the day. You're tired and fully aware of the still-long day that awaits you. You can barely keep your being from drooping into dreamy slumber and here comes a fella- out of the blue, wearing outlandish clothes and posing around the relatively huge lecture theatre in an extremely peculiar manner: all to the beat of DON'T phunk with my heart. Then he goes on to speak in the most memorably funny manner and showing unceasing videos. Tharuka, my good friend from other cohort had pre warned me. But I could just not take it...was literally STRUCK! Man, what an experience...I'll NEVER forget this lecture. Pity, I could not take a video of the on-goings.

Next in line was BIG MAMA a.k.a Ms. Anita Kuan. For all her obvious, big mama look, she has a beautiful voice...Shaheen could not stop admiring it. I for one, was totally thunderbolted by her drama SCREACH...really amazing and bloody frightening. Thankfully I'm not a heart patient..hahaha. However...I must admit: this module scares me. Tharuka was telling me all about its uhmm technicalities...and boy, will I have a field day. Need to be brave...(repeated till I can master it). Really, for the techno phobic that I am..the very sight of machines is SCARY...But I need to and am trying to overcome it...hopefully....

Will sign off..sorry if you were bored..but this ain't going to be a long term trend..=).

First Days
I have my mind clear about endings-they signal new beginings (on an optimistic note). But what about the new beginings, what do they signal? Past endings?

Farewells are hard...I always find tears in my eyes...even if I've been wanting the change. But I find that new beginings are harder. Perhaps, its a thing with me...I'm bad with change yet it keeps coming at me...sigh.

I'm a comfort zone person. I dislike stepping out of my comfort zone. But I find that life is always keen on pushing me out of it and first days are perhaps the most apparent manifestation of it.

Like today: getting out of my wonderfully cushy bed at 6 a.m to get ready for school is an absolutely loathsome situation after days of rest, relaxation and taking my own sweet time with stuff. Tommorrow, a new semester kicks off with an entire day of lectures. Gosh. Plus side stuff after school....NIGHTMARES IN MOTION. I'll have to survive....and I know I will but my mind some how keeps pre concieving anxiety.

Now...I really need to get out of this 'first day' sickness. Even though we have two bloody techie modules this semester I WILL SURVIVE. Dad keeps saying..give yourself positive feedback. Hope you take a cue from that...

So if you're on the threshold of something new, perhaps unexpected...keep your hopes high and don't deflate and feel anxious. Life, somebody once told me, should be taken one day at a time-with each day being treated as an unopened GIFT. Yup. I'll try doing that...

Family Matters
Even though life has been comparitively easy for me, I can say that I've had my fair share of trouble and low times. Its during all these times that I've realized one fundamental truth about life: having a supportive family is the biggest boon a person can have.

Ofcourse the definition of what constitutes a supportive family is entirely upto the individual. I've had my share of anger with my mother, father and brother. They've had their's towards me. But at the end of the day, we're family and we're there for each other when things go wrong. Life, by the way seems to go wrong most of the time and being alone during such times makes things seem all the more so.

When the day hasn't been going good, when people have been rather mean, during heart burn etc etc I've always found a sounding board in my family. They've seen me at my best and worst and love me all the same. Its this security that's the biggest asset in a family. The security of returning HOME to people who you know inside out, whom you know the same way and whom you still love anyways.

But I also understand the reverse side of the coin: times when your family and you don't get along, times when there is a difference in opinions et al. Whats important is to get done with it. Its important for families to understand that members are also individual personalities by themselves. period. They should not be unduly restricted and bound. But at the same time they should not be left neglected and in harm's way.

I know of enough families that have broken apart due to a lack of this attitude. Then there are those that can hardly be called families. There is such a dirth of affection. Its tragic. Throughout my life and especially during my years as a psychology student I found that people coming from dysfunctional families generally pave their way to self destruction.

Yes, you may say that many rich and famous folk hail from such backgrounds but please note just how successful they are as individuals. Doing drugs, making regular trips to rehab is NOT IN. Many of their lives are so screwed up, its a recipe for disaster. Just today morning I was seeing a a VH1 documentary on Britney Spear's early life and really all the muck she has landed herself into is the doing of a totally out-of-function family life and a not-so-healthy early childhood.

As human beings, we are the most incapable as kids. If at that time there is not the requisite support a child's life either ends or brews into inexplicable damage. Sadly, as we progress as a society we deteriorate as a family. Its there everywhere. With love from the west to the east.

There are many question marks- about orphans, about people from broken families, about people who have moved away from their families. But really, a family is nothing but a group of people you BELONG to. Wherever the feeling of belongingness brews, a genuine concern, a patient ear and a loving heart emerges, a family is awaiting you. Whoever said that families are only biological was ignorant.

Your family finds you: biological or otherwise. Once it does, try evolving into a bit of the family person. Home bodies aren't that bad after all and for all you know, they are capable of more love than you can even imagine.

PS: Nihi, this one's for you girl:)

When you feel love
I'm feeling a bit tipsy since returning from an hour and half inside the pool, and another hour of OTH...I think I have a crush on James Lafferty a.k.a. Nathan and I quite adore Haley as well. I think they make an awesome twosome.

I just find that something about SOME couples makes them special. Dunno what it is. I like watching old couples as well. They just give off this made-for-each-other vibe.

Sometimes you find 'things' fooling around with each other in buses, in the mrt and in other public places. But somehow they LOOK CHEAP to the naked eye. It looks like they're together just for some FUN, as I choose to call it. Not because they were meant to be with each other. Some form of the innocence and purity in love is SO LACKING.

Honestly, if your partner just attracts your senses, he or she is not worth much. Really. I know of these couples who just carry on because of ulterior motives. There is NO love in there. Its totally tragic.

If you really want something, then guage how you feel when around that person. Do you feel comfortable, complete, calm..maybe a bit nervous...(clammy)..but you still get this wierd vibe which tells you that all is gonna be fine....If that happens then something more long lasting is brewing mate..otherwise prepare to sink midway through.

Sad as that may sound, its really for the better. How long can you go on with someone who can offer you just that much and nothing more. You need to feel the love. period.

The holidays are nearly over and I would lie if I say that they were boring. So here's a list of some stuff I learnt and realised over these holidays:
#1: How to blog..hahaha..obviously as you can see
#2: Engineering is actually quite cool
#3: Engineering students aren't as bland as they are made out to be
#4: The meaning of CB..please don't ask for particulars
#5: SWIMMING...yay! I thought I'll never get over my fear..but I did..and now I can swim albiet small distances.
#6: Just how rocking the IB programme is (its equivalent to Junior college)
#7: Delights of Mexican cuisine
#8: Brainless girls are way better than brainless guys
#9: Haze in Singapore sucks big time.
#10: The details of Radio production II and Web design applications: yickes, I would have to work harder at maintaining my GPA!

Funny thoughts and helpless laughter
Most people laugh at jokes and maybe sometime afterwards. But I have this horrible yet incorrigible habit of 'imagining' funny jokes and laughing about them at the most unwarranted times.

Like the time when the dead person's portrait was smeared with ink from one of the naughty kid's sketch pens. Man, what a tragic scene that was. People were depressed, crying and I was literally punching myself in the stomach to keep myself from getting one of my characteristic maniac laughs:)

Ok, maybe not so much MANIAC but definitely uncontrollable. Makes the people surrounding me, think that I must be on a high (when I've never even tasted wine, alcohol or cigarettes). Of course, its sounds kinda funny so they have their share of laughter at my cost. Unfortunately, I can't tell jokes as well as I can imagine them. I mean, how funny can a funeral pic smeared with ink sound? Only a few rare 'specimen' like Nihi and me can laugh at my 'power' of imagination....hahaha.

But I tell you, laughter is truly infectious. I mean, its the easiest way to feel happy and get others feeling good as well (unless of course its your mother, or perhaps a stoic who may consider you an asylum escapee).

So if you're into this sort of thing-here you have from the horse's mouth-keep it up! Tag along, if you've any similar funny stuff to share-about funny thoughts that raid your mind.

When relationships die out
" The storm has to come, its has to come and go, the meaning of life lies in coming and going"
These words are translated from an old and beautiful bollywood melody and seem rather true. Life after all is about things intergrating and disintegrating, especially relationships.

You meet fantastic people, you have the time of your life with them and then you just move on. Time moves you..apart.

But I realize that the test of time, is the best guage for relationships and those that die out with it were perhaps never meant to be.

But those that survive, continue to thrive within your being. The people may not be in front of your eyes, there may be no physical proximity and no hope of ever meeting or seeing them again..living..breathing. But when you close your eyes and think about them...they come back in all those unforgettable moments that are stored away in your memory. Their ageless faces return, to bring a smile on your face...perhaps a few tears as well..but they always elicit emotion.

These are the relations that are 'truly yours' forever. The good thing is- they never die out.

I, me, myself and my decisions
I'm thoroughly sick of people who make unceasing attempts at getting me to do certain things. Or those who constantly speak about having the 'in' life which I supposedly don't have. Listen up people, I have made my choice on what works and what doesn't work for me-so I don't have reason to listen to your crap. Unless ofcourse it has some meaning for me.

If you are happy wearing revealing clothes that show off your uhhmmm assets, cutting your hair in wierd styles and doning it in rainbow shades, wearing HIGH heels, clubbing, drinking, smoking, having a pesky boyfriend carry your BIG bags etc etc- doesn't mean I too would be happy doing all of those things.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong in all that, its your life and you are free to make your choices. If you wish to wear skimpy clothes, draw cheap stares and feature in wet dreams: ITS NOT MY PROBLEM. But I WOULD NEVER even venture into ANYTHING remotely close to that. period. And don't even bother telling me about it. Coz not only will I not follow your advice but I would perhaps even smirk at your desperation.

What I cease to understand about some people, is their seeming eagerness at doling out brainless advice to others. What annoys me even more is people who follow such advice. Why can't you have a mind of your own, be your own person and decide that something is such a piece of crap and would never work for you?!

I see people with fleshy tyres oozing out of literally everywhere- wearing the tightest clothes possible, girls dressing in clothes that make them appear rather cheap, people taking to alcohol, cigarettes and even drugs when all these things ever do to you is degrade your brain cells faster than ever and wreck havoc in other people's nostrils: all this because they're following gregarious fools who wish to share their worst with the world. Its all so contorted. Can't these people make out that this stuff ain't working. Or do they have the false impression that its oh-so-cool and nothing bad is gonna happen as a consequence.

I don't wish to interfere really, but am just appalled sometimes when people do stuff which is so obviously "not working". I understand fully that as individuals living in a more or less free society we are free to make our choices and perhaps even share them. But a bit of discretion is most important in both these decisions and we need to acknowledge and abide by that.

As individuals set upon the journey of life, our aim I feel is to become the best we can, come into OUR finest. This metamorphosis starts with making the right choices for ourselves as well as for others (sometimes).

Irritating encounters
Now, docile as I may appear and am..actually, there are some things that annoy me immensely.
Like today on the bus.

After having travelled in Mumbai's local buses, Singapore's STB buses seem a tad boring. BUT..today was an exception.

I was on the 171, going back home, when an extremely cacophonous group of girls from one of the many schools on the route got on. Man, were they loud and annoying. Usually I choose to ignore loud mouths..but this group was making SO much noise that I was dying to place a silencer in their mouths-destroying my peaceful frame of mind and the silent, appealing afternoon *grumbles*.

Thankfully they alighted in a while. But I guess, good god didn't want me to have a peaceful time. So he sent in this even more annoying couple and made them take JUST the seat in front of me. You know-the ones in which you're FACING the people..

The think the girl was Malay and the guy was Indian..in Sg style one of those Indian mama's (mama- Indian smart ass).

Such an ass, I dunno how the girl could even tolerate a PDA (Public display of affection) with him when I was squirming just LOOKING at him. I know, I know..patriotic Indian's will charge me as traitor. But really..this guy was one of those whom you just wanna slap...at the mere sight. REALLY.

Besides, I seriously believe that PDA looks cheap, and very degrading for the people involved. How can somebody be so cheaply obvious about the LURVE they have for each other?Its SICK. Atleast for me. And, I haven't even told you about the expressions of the old couple sitting behind me and the young mother with her little daughter sitting on the adjacent seat.

Ok..so once their X rated affair was over, I felt relieved. Was running out of other things and people to look at...! But guess what, right away they started commenting on other people. You know when the bus is close to town many people get on..including PYT's (Pretty young things) going to Far East Plaza I guess. I have to alight a bus stop before to get home.

I had a German IS teacher last year. She made this comment on Singaporeans- They like to look you up and make nasty comments. Why can't they just say something positive or leave you alone?

Nevertheless, here's what I heard- (the Mama): Look that girl there..so ugly one I tell you..see her dress..(the girlfriend): ya la..don't know how to dress one. Now,murdering English like that makes me wanna slap the hell out of people like that. Can't speak properly to save your life and then you wan't to comment on other people's dressing?

Now, I'm thinking like that when this guy decides to make another award winning statement: You ah..look so much nicer than most girl's on this bus and the stupid girl just wants to smile showing off her yellow teeth-ewww. I was just wanting to vanish from that contorted scenario.
I'm no grecian goddess, but seriously its more about addled brains and dreadful communication here.

Thankfully, my stop came and I had to alight. Wanted to press the bell, coz the bus doesn't stop on its own at my bus stop, so I got up and accidently stamped HARD on somebody's toes. Was feeling sorry for a moment but most elated that I made up for my wanting to scream vulgarities at the stupid people. Just for a finer detail- I was wearing my brand new, pointed shoes.