Hola..from the capital

So, it's been a while since I last visited this space, or to be honest, visited and made an entry. Life's been alright and yes, miraculously enough, my tarot predictions for 2010 have been spot on..It has been a "leap" year for me, in that I have not just switched careers, I've also attempted the swinging single life - living minus my parents, plus my grandparents in the capital. Add to that plus, my aunt, uncle, and three cousins. It may not be the hugest family, but after having lived in a cosy, four-member set up for 'nearly' quarter of a century, I feel that it's huge!

Yes, there are days I feel intensely crabby, cranky, and depressed. I miss my family (especially mom), I miss journalism (especially the writing), and I miss Mumbai (especially the vada-pav and pav-bhajji), but life is about keeping the momentum and trust the Gemini in me to keep at it. Frankly, I think, much as I would like to believe it, I'm a pretty self-sufficient person, most of the time. Maybe my mom knew it, which is why she left me on my own.

Anyhow, I think, change is something that may make us nervous but it's something that, I find, is quite often just what we need. To repeat my self-created cliche, our wants and needs may not coincide all the time and quite often, what we want is not what we need and what we need is not always manifest in terms of our wants.

In the end..it all boils down

Yes...I'm back after a break and am thoroughly relieved. In life, we sometimes doubt ourselves and keep questioning our terrific human abilities - the limits our mind and body can go to. But sometimes in stretching oneself, we realise what awesome potential lies within us. Each one of us, if we only keep the faith.

When I came to Delhi, I didn't find the connect with this city of my birth. I was told of all sorts of rottenness that pervades its streets. Also, I had taken up a 3-year course to occupy my time. Besides all of that, I had left people I loved and a career that I thought was tailor-made for me. But in the last few days I find myself realising another beauteous aspect of life:

• I've given my exams and I know I still have the "stress-free" academic in me...

• I've learnt to find my way in the Delhi Metro, and know that I can manage

• I've switched careers and I realise that, as Deepak Chopra says, we can fall in love more than once and it's not always infidelity!

• I've met new people and I realise that life has strange way of making up to you..it's like a soulmate, who sometimes hurts you real bad, only to turn back and give you the most soul-satisfying hug..I absolutely LUURRVVE my folks back at DK. It'll be a LONG list if I start to pen names, but without these peeps, Delhi would not have been the same.

Yes, I know there are more challenges ahead. But I'll manage, we all can. It's about positive reinforcement - our brain is like a lovable, incorrigible little child. It needs a constant dose of hope. Amen.

PS - On that note I decided to pamper myself with some TLC - Tender Loving Care. After all, as Oscar Wilde says, "loving oneself is an eternal romance"!

Oh this effing shame...!!

Ok..here goes..I'm blogging after eons and that's the opener that just struck me...WHAM! No..I'm not under any strain or visible stress at least..but I realise that so many times this stupid 'shame' gets in our way and prevents us, especially us Indians, from going all out and doing just what our heart desires..It's sick and no, you finger pointers, I'm not excusing myself.

It keeps us from telling people how much we value them, how happy or angry (as the case may be) they make us feel, how we miss them when they are not around..it keeps us from selling ourselves, when we know we have the right 'product' in hand, it keeps us from approaching opportunities that may just change the course of our lives..basically, it keeps us (quite often, though not always) from developing our best. For those of you who have seen the movie 'Luck by Chance'..there is this scene in it where Farhan Akhtar follows his 'opportunistic shamelessness' and goes to buttress an initially impatient Dimple Kapadia - an arrogant yester-year's movie queen. It pays..

Whenever I see that scene, I realise...life shows us doors, but among the challenges it places before the goal, is shedding the garb of inhibition and just doing what our heart desires. Spontaneous, impulsive..but sometimes, the finest things in life come to us in an instance. Over the years, I realise, when we let our inhibitions stop us, we live to regret (as only humans would). So, I've learnt to just let go and if I really want to say or do something, I just do it. I may make mistakes, sometimes it embarrasses the hell out of me, but in all honesty, I go to bed a happier person. At least I tried..

Life is a journey, experience the teacher and often the best self-discovery comes from making the worst judgements..and not living to regret them but taking them as teachings that will only lead to better things..amen.

Last post from Mumbai..
"Bombay is beautiful, not for its buildings for most of them hide squalor, poverty and dirt; not for its wealth for most of it is derived from the blood of the masses; but for its world renowned generosity. Bombay's charity has covered a multitude of her sins. She has enabled India to keep her promises."

- MK Gandhi, Young India, 1969

I've spent a little over two decades on this planet and have seen and lived in a fair number of places on it...but Bombay (I prefer the old name) has something special about it. It is by far the dirtiest city I've lived in and has the poorest infrastructure..The local train system is perhaps the best in this country, but it makes a poor lifeline for this city of 16+ million (Try getting off at Dadar, IInd class, at peak hour - I had my first experience of a mob and came off with a bruised ego and limb!).

No, this is NOT another ode to the city's undaunted 'spirit'...I'm frankly as annoyed as the average Bambaiya on hearing this cliche..also, as a writer, cliches bore me. But to borrow the TOI's often used peg..it is indeed a 'city of angels'..No..the bhajji walla is not a demi-god, but somehow I've witnessed many more acts of kindness on its streets than anywhere around the world. Random strangers have helped me without an ulterior motive and I've learnt to become more trusting..I'm safe in Mumbai and when I head home from work at 10pm..I don't fear for my life. You see, being a girl-woman in our country of 'goddess-worshippers' isn't such a great thing..and the capital, where I'm heading next, has the rather sickening moniker - "rape-capital". So yes..I'll really miss this place and all the friends I made here - people I met on the train, while on my way to work; the friends I made in school and college here and really..I'll just miss that something about this place - the walks at Jogger's, along Carter's, along the rare, tree-lined backlanes of Dadar..I'll miss the 'other' grand old lady at Bori Bunder..along DN road...my temporary workplace..and its wonderful office space..the local pav bhajji and vada pav..oh God..it's getting a bit tiring to type out everything and this is begining to sound like those God-awful acceptance speeches at the awards..

I think, to add my two cents worth of explanation to Bapu's verses on Mumbai - this city is like the immortal muse, the soul mate, who may not be the dandiest person around..indeed his/ her face may appear ugly to most..but scratch the surface and the bruised soul reveals a heart of gold. Like 'hope' at the bottom of Pandora's box..adieu..

Anger Issues

Ok...I'm an otherwise gentle person, or so I would like to believe. But when I'm angry..god..I am ANGRY...It gives me a throbbing headache and I get all teary..because really I've a stream of expletives lined up inside my mouth and if it's a person who's pissing me off big time..all I really want is, to give said person a tight, jaw-breaking slap. But convention, social etiquette and all that big time bull, demands that I control the seething rage..which is easier said than done.
Another unfortunate fact - I take time cooling down...so there you have another of my flaws..When I am angry, I realise that I'm more conformist than I would like to think..It's not good...try counting backwards from 10 (from 50 or even 100 for me)...but to be honest...that's a quality I've been dying to develop, which still lies elusive...
Nevetheless..as they say...you grow with time and age..and thankfully I've many more years ahead of me..=) (small mercies!)

Recession remembered - the not-so-fond memory (I hope!)
Expectations, I find, usually lead to discontent. Excitement is best controlled..lest it be frozen by wintry reality. Often in life, we begin to question the ultimate consequence of stuff.
The recession has been an eye opener for many, given to a decadent lifestyle. The media has been hit unusually hard...and sometimes I find a lot of the cost-cutting stemming from chindi-ness, parsimony, if you please. The kind that freezes recruitment, to overburden and stretch thin, the available resources and stops furnishing bathrooms with toilet paper, in the name of cost cutting. Thankfully, the idiocy of the latter has been realised by the powers-that-be! No finger pointing, because I think the whole system is to be blamed. Many newbies have been left facing tightly shut gates, with an all too prominent, NO VACANCIES sign. The revered behemoths have turned to reviled beasts, exasperating the egos of the seasoned and erasing the budding expectations of the new. Yes, they all tell you - it's not forever. But, the misfortune of being human is not being omniscient..and what I can't see, I can't trust, err..except maybe the one omniscient, omnipresent God! Besides, these days, even s/he is becoming unbelievably testy. What does one do?! You tell me? Cry out in frustration ofcourse! But what after that...
Thankfully, faith in oneself is NOT subject to macro and micro-economic factors. Period. Listen to Haidar's head, pick up those 8 newspapers, 2 periodicals, 2 non-fictions and a dozen or so weblinks to peruse...because apparently, the key to success lies in being well-read and knowing all that you can, which too is sometimes insufficient! If you die in the flood of literature...don't blame me....I'm content with my daily dose of current affairs, which I can realistically manage!

Cowardly connotations
Sometimes...I'm really chicken. Yes! I said it. I break into tears rather easily, can't mask my emotions and hate to get chided...in fact I hate it so much that the very fear of landing into trouble gets me troubled! I hate myself for it at times...I mean, I'm a working girl now, a professional. It's not fitting for me...that too a journalist..to be the way I am. I keep critiquing myself for it. Admittedly, I've gotten somewhat better at it...but still my threshold of taking everything with a pinch of salt, without over-analysing and thinking incessantly,hasn't improved much. I sometimes trust and show too much affection...only to feel bad later. I indulge in venting my spleen and live to regret it later. My judgment of people is not as spot on as many people I've met..although my gut feeling is sometimes unforgivably demanding. Main aisi kyun hoon? Even the panditji...sitting miles away in Delhi can 'sense' my overworked mind! Hahahaha...am I like SO obvious!
Well, the only thing that keeps me going is some inexplicable faith..call it my God worthiness! Also, perhaps I feel that my intentions are never wrong and my heart is in the right place...I've seen people who don't have an iota of the personal weaknesses that I show..but then, I've seen the very same people doing some unforgivable deeds. In the end hopefully, everything balances out...equilibrium is after all a law of nature.