Anger Issues

Ok...I'm an otherwise gentle person, or so I would like to believe. But when I'm angry..god..I am ANGRY...It gives me a throbbing headache and I get all teary..because really I've a stream of expletives lined up inside my mouth and if it's a person who's pissing me off big time..all I really want is, to give said person a tight, jaw-breaking slap. But convention, social etiquette and all that big time bull, demands that I control the seething rage..which is easier said than done.
Another unfortunate fact - I take time cooling down...so there you have another of my flaws..When I am angry, I realise that I'm more conformist than I would like to think..It's not good...try counting backwards from 10 (from 50 or even 100 for me)...but to be honest...that's a quality I've been dying to develop, which still lies elusive...
Nevetheless..as they say...you grow with time and age..and thankfully I've many more years ahead of me..=) (small mercies!)

Recession remembered - the not-so-fond memory (I hope!)
Expectations, I find, usually lead to discontent. Excitement is best controlled..lest it be frozen by wintry reality. Often in life, we begin to question the ultimate consequence of stuff.
The recession has been an eye opener for many, given to a decadent lifestyle. The media has been hit unusually hard...and sometimes I find a lot of the cost-cutting stemming from chindi-ness, parsimony, if you please. The kind that freezes recruitment, to overburden and stretch thin, the available resources and stops furnishing bathrooms with toilet paper, in the name of cost cutting. Thankfully, the idiocy of the latter has been realised by the powers-that-be! No finger pointing, because I think the whole system is to be blamed. Many newbies have been left facing tightly shut gates, with an all too prominent, NO VACANCIES sign. The revered behemoths have turned to reviled beasts, exasperating the egos of the seasoned and erasing the budding expectations of the new. Yes, they all tell you - it's not forever. But, the misfortune of being human is not being omniscient..and what I can't see, I can't trust, err..except maybe the one omniscient, omnipresent God! Besides, these days, even s/he is becoming unbelievably testy. What does one do?! You tell me? Cry out in frustration ofcourse! But what after that...
Thankfully, faith in oneself is NOT subject to macro and micro-economic factors. Period. Listen to Haidar's head, pick up those 8 newspapers, 2 periodicals, 2 non-fictions and a dozen or so weblinks to peruse...because apparently, the key to success lies in being well-read and knowing all that you can, which too is sometimes insufficient! If you die in the flood of literature...don't blame me....I'm content with my daily dose of current affairs, which I can realistically manage!

Cowardly connotations
Sometimes...I'm really chicken. Yes! I said it. I break into tears rather easily, can't mask my emotions and hate to get chided...in fact I hate it so much that the very fear of landing into trouble gets me troubled! I hate myself for it at times...I mean, I'm a working girl now, a professional. It's not fitting for me...that too a journalist..to be the way I am. I keep critiquing myself for it. Admittedly, I've gotten somewhat better at it...but still my threshold of taking everything with a pinch of salt, without over-analysing and thinking incessantly,hasn't improved much. I sometimes trust and show too much affection...only to feel bad later. I indulge in venting my spleen and live to regret it later. My judgment of people is not as spot on as many people I've met..although my gut feeling is sometimes unforgivably demanding. Main aisi kyun hoon? Even the panditji...sitting miles away in Delhi can 'sense' my overworked mind! Hahahaha...am I like SO obvious!
Well, the only thing that keeps me going is some inexplicable faith..call it my God worthiness! Also, perhaps I feel that my intentions are never wrong and my heart is in the right place...I've seen people who don't have an iota of the personal weaknesses that I show..but then, I've seen the very same people doing some unforgivable deeds. In the end hopefully, everything balances out...equilibrium is after all a law of nature.

What to do with the spirit?

I've been reading Paulo Coelho's 'The Winner Stands Alone'. This time for my b'day I got a huge stack of books and after finally finishing the tale of Howard Roark's ascent in the 'Fountainhead' and Sudha Murthy's repetitive collection of stories 'The Old Man and His God', started on this latest.
Most of the books, in one way or another pen the tale of a man's battle with his own inner desires and outer realities. Don't we all do that...ever so often. The helplessness is tremendous to say the least. Coping with it is a gargantuan task. I wonder how people do it..face the monster that kills your spirit each and every day..it may be a circumstance, an unsavoury happening or an insufferable person...
Yes, there are the optimisms 'This too shall end', 'There is light at the end of the tunnel', 'The night is the darkest before dawn' blah blah blah....I admit, these do help sometimes...Sometimes a silent prayer works wonders and perhaps so does a vent to the encompassing rage. For some it's a session of mindless TV while for others it's a bout of high-intensity workout. Oh God, but what do I do with the spirit...the aforementioned only calm the symptoms.
I guess, as poet Milton said...wait...

With me

You know how it feels, to be out of touch with yourself..or maybe too close for comfort (yes, you're reading an abstract writer..pronto). I've been feeling that way..at 23 I realise there are somethings that I need to start doing as an adult...Britney Spear's accurately summarised this feeling in the lyrics of "Not a girl, not yet a woman". I've been feeling that way. I'm earning and trying to stand on my feet...I'm managing my bank account and ensuring that I cut my coat according to my cloth..(I'm yet to learn how to 'grow' my money outside investing in FDs). When I go on field and interview people, they address me as 'maam' and I'm yet to swallow that, you see it makes me feel older than I am..haha..but I love my job and that's the biggest/greatest contentment for me. Basically I realise that I can't depend on my parents for everything and I gotta make more and more decisions on my own..it's like a little bird's dilemma when it is all set to fly out...the open skies are a delight, but with no mummy or papa bird to fly along, if I encounter problems, how will I overcome. If my wing tires, how will I balm it? If my direction is wrong, will I have someone to correct it?

My friend jokingly added that I also need to start looking for 'the man'..haha..wonderful as the prospect sounds...I have a lifetime to spend with 'the man'...but right now, right here I'm living for me and am incredibly happy. Besides, I'm a strong believer in destiny..and most of the time am convinced about it..things happen when they are meant to happen. So with that belief, I rest my case..whenever my being seeks an answer to a particular problem.

Before I sign out..recently one of my articles got published in the rotract club magazine, Cheers! for life. Great effort by the editorial team..here's an abstract from my piece, "the divine painter" which I'm particularly proud of ;0)

"Life starts off as an empty canvas tempting destiny to colour its bareness with experience."

Experience - that is what I'm having, have had and will continue having

The endless wait
Life has strange ways...and sometimes we find ourselves walking a lonely path, seemingly endlessly, with no horizon in sight. This can prove to be exceptionally tormenting, especially when one feels that there's a lot at stake. For some, it's that career break, for others it's a search for the right man/ woman/partner (giving due respect to 377, lesbians and gays) and for some others it's a search for their destiny, their calling. I don't know what I'm waiting for...sometimes ambition tempts my being...other times, I simply want to carry on. I'm, perhaps, too young to tell. I hope to get some answers soon.

Forgiving yourself

Forgiveness, in the true sense, is a little hard. Be it forgiving others or forgiving yourself. I find myself grappling with the latter, rather frequently. Given my woefully naive nature at times, I say things and behave in a manner that is best kept private. The most common instance being - letting the tears out. Most of the time I'm a happy person, but there are times when I feel sad, upset, melancholy, depressed, disillusioned and what have you. Most people would probably shut up the tears for a more private audience, but I can't seem to do that. I cry and feel weepy and later feel like kicking myself for it. Why can't I be a little more dispassionate and unattached? Where most folks, stuck up in the ho-hum of their lives would forget or ignore, I tend to dwell and think endlessly about stuff...I think I need to do some growing up and real quick, to tackle this more or less self-centred, sadistic, corporate world. Other than that, I need to forgive the extra inches but not forget and go on a much needed diet (for a lifetime) - indulgence be warned. Let me emulate the Mahatma's simplistic living with (hopefully) more success than the last time.