Cowardly connotations
Sometimes...I'm really chicken. Yes! I said it. I break into tears rather easily, can't mask my emotions and hate to get chided...in fact I hate it so much that the very fear of landing into trouble gets me troubled! I hate myself for it at times...I mean, I'm a working girl now, a professional. It's not fitting for me...that too a journalist..to be the way I am. I keep critiquing myself for it. Admittedly, I've gotten somewhat better at it...but still my threshold of taking everything with a pinch of salt, without over-analysing and thinking incessantly,hasn't improved much. I sometimes trust and show too much affection...only to feel bad later. I indulge in venting my spleen and live to regret it later. My judgment of people is not as spot on as many people I've met..although my gut feeling is sometimes unforgivably demanding. Main aisi kyun hoon? Even the panditji...sitting miles away in Delhi can 'sense' my overworked mind! Hahahaha...am I like SO obvious!
Well, the only thing that keeps me going is some inexplicable faith..call it my God worthiness! Also, perhaps I feel that my intentions are never wrong and my heart is in the right place...I've seen people who don't have an iota of the personal weaknesses that I show..but then, I've seen the very same people doing some unforgivable deeds. In the end hopefully, everything balances out...equilibrium is after all a law of nature.

What to do with the spirit?

I've been reading Paulo Coelho's 'The Winner Stands Alone'. This time for my b'day I got a huge stack of books and after finally finishing the tale of Howard Roark's ascent in the 'Fountainhead' and Sudha Murthy's repetitive collection of stories 'The Old Man and His God', started on this latest.
Most of the books, in one way or another pen the tale of a man's battle with his own inner desires and outer realities. Don't we all do that...ever so often. The helplessness is tremendous to say the least. Coping with it is a gargantuan task. I wonder how people do it..face the monster that kills your spirit each and every day..it may be a circumstance, an unsavoury happening or an insufferable person...
Yes, there are the optimisms 'This too shall end', 'There is light at the end of the tunnel', 'The night is the darkest before dawn' blah blah blah....I admit, these do help sometimes...Sometimes a silent prayer works wonders and perhaps so does a vent to the encompassing rage. For some it's a session of mindless TV while for others it's a bout of high-intensity workout. Oh God, but what do I do with the spirit...the aforementioned only calm the symptoms.
I guess, as poet Milton said...wait...