Forgiving yourself

Forgiveness, in the true sense, is a little hard. Be it forgiving others or forgiving yourself. I find myself grappling with the latter, rather frequently. Given my woefully naive nature at times, I say things and behave in a manner that is best kept private. The most common instance being - letting the tears out. Most of the time I'm a happy person, but there are times when I feel sad, upset, melancholy, depressed, disillusioned and what have you. Most people would probably shut up the tears for a more private audience, but I can't seem to do that. I cry and feel weepy and later feel like kicking myself for it. Why can't I be a little more dispassionate and unattached? Where most folks, stuck up in the ho-hum of their lives would forget or ignore, I tend to dwell and think endlessly about stuff...I think I need to do some growing up and real quick, to tackle this more or less self-centred, sadistic, corporate world. Other than that, I need to forgive the extra inches but not forget and go on a much needed diet (for a lifetime) - indulgence be warned. Let me emulate the Mahatma's simplistic living with (hopefully) more success than the last time.

Of lists, listlessness and little sadness with happiness

It's been a while since I blogged...work has kept me quite tied up these last few weeks..a good number of bylines, lots of editing, cutting, chopping and hopping around. But it's done and I've got some money with a substantial more to come..so I'm a happy gal..more or less..

Talking about lists, I've made quite a few and read a few as well...lists are generally interesting when they list something about the person making them, so a little scwibble like "eggs for mom's b'day cake" almost always makes me smile. Then of course the personal lists that people make...hahaha...I've made a few myself..and they make me laugh with unadulterated mirth, in retrospect.

Listlessness...draws from lists..but means something that is world's apart and sometimes I get that sense, when I get the sick feeling that life is going nowhere and I haven't accomplished half of what I could have, should have and what others my age have...but then, that's just temporary and if I look at the half-full glass, I have certainly accomplished a fair bit and deserve a pat on my back..excuse the immodesty - I shall not brag about my accomplishments.

As for the little sadness..one of the young guys who works at my office drowned this week..The last I saw him was on a friday..he was hovering about, joking and laughing..and although I didn't know him personally I saw him come near my seat quite a few times to talk to the guy who sits there. Suddenly on Monday he was no more..infact he drowned on Saturday, but the body was only recovered from the Vasai lake (death-trap of a place) on Monday..Life is like that..today you're here and tommorrow..lo and behold you become but another body burried under the earth, where all things come from. Gem's death reinforced that belief..and taught me yet again, how important it is to value what you have, this splendid gift of life.

The same day I heard this tragic news, I also heard of age-old friends who have come to Mumbai to pursue their post grad...I may no longer know them as well as I knew them in the past..but past connections resurfacing always feels strangely pleasing..it gives me the reassurance that when we say never..we can never truly mean it..unless it was meant that way.