Peace on the earth and the heavens above

2010-07-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

Hola..from the capital

So, it's been a while since I last visited this space, or to be honest, visited and made an entry. Life's been alright and yes, miraculously enough, my tarot predictions for 2010 have been spot on..It has been a "leap" year for me, in that I have not just switched careers, I've also attempted the swinging single life - living minus my parents, plus my grandparents in the capital. Add to that plus, my aunt, uncle, and three cousins. It may not be the hugest family, but after having lived in a cosy, four-member set up for 'nearly' quarter of a century, I feel that it's huge!

Yes, there are days I feel intensely crabby, cranky, and depressed. I miss my family (especially mom), I miss journalism (especially the writing), and I miss Mumbai (especially the vada-pav and pav-bhajji), but life is about keeping the momentum and trust the Gemini in me to keep at it. Frankly, I think, much as I would like to believe it, I'm a pretty self-sufficient person, most of the time. Maybe my mom knew it, which is why she left me on my own.

Anyhow, I think, change is something that may make us nervous but it's something that, I find, is quite often just what we need. To repeat my self-created cliche, our wants and needs may not coincide all the time and quite often, what we want is not what we need and what we need is not always manifest in terms of our wants.

2010-04-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

In the end..it all boils down

Yes...I'm back after a break and am thoroughly relieved. In life, we sometimes doubt ourselves and keep questioning our terrific human abilities - the limits our mind and body can go to. But sometimes in stretching oneself, we realise what awesome potential lies within us. Each one of us, if we only keep the faith.

When I came to Delhi, I didn't find the connect with this city of my birth. I was told of all sorts of rottenness that pervades its streets. Also, I had taken up a 3-year course to occupy my time. Besides all of that, I had left people I loved and a career that I thought was tailor-made for me. But in the last few days I find myself realising another beauteous aspect of life:

I've given my exams and I know I still have the "stress-free" academic in me...

I've learnt to find my way in the Delhi Metro, and know that I can manage

I've switched careers and I realise that, as Deepak Chopra says, we can fall in love more than once and it's not always infidelity!

I've met new people and I realise that life has strange way of making up to you..it's like a soulmate, who sometimes hurts you real bad, only to turn back and give you the most soul-satisfying hug..I absolutely LUURRVVE my folks back at DK. It'll be a LONG list if I start to pen names, but without these peeps, Delhi would not have been the same.

Yes, I know there are more challenges ahead. But I'll manage, we all can. It's about positive reinforcement - our brain is like a lovable, incorrigible little child. It needs a constant dose of hope. Amen.

PS - On that note I decided to pamper myself with some TLC - Tender Loving Care. After all, as Oscar Wilde says, "loving oneself is an eternal romance"!

2010-02-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

Oh this effing shame...!!

Ok..here goes..I'm blogging after eons and that's the opener that just struck me...WHAM! No..I'm not under any strain or visible stress at least..but I realise that so many times this stupid 'shame' gets in our way and prevents us, especially us Indians, from going all out and doing just what our heart desires..It's sick and no, you finger pointers, I'm not excusing myself.

It keeps us from telling people how much we value them, how happy or angry (as the case may be) they make us feel, how we miss them when they are not around..it keeps us from selling ourselves, when we know we have the right 'product' in hand, it keeps us from approaching opportunities that may just change the course of our lives..basically, it keeps us (quite often, though not always) from developing our best. For those of you who have seen the movie 'Luck by Chance'..there is this scene in it where Farhan Akhtar follows his 'opportunistic shamelessness' and goes to buttress an initially impatient Dimple Kapadia - an arrogant yester-year's movie queen. It pays..

Whenever I see that scene, I realise...life shows us doors, but among the challenges it places before the goal, is shedding the garb of inhibition and just doing what our heart desires. Spontaneous, impulsive..but sometimes, the finest things in life come to us in an instance. Over the years, I realise, when we let our inhibitions stop us, we live to regret (as only humans would). So, I've learnt to just let go and if I really want to say or do something, I just do it. I may make mistakes, sometimes it embarrasses the hell out of me, but in all honesty, I go to bed a happier person. At least I tried..

Life is a journey, experience the teacher and often the best self-discovery comes from making the worst judgements..and not living to regret them but taking them as teachings that will only lead to better things..amen.

2009-12-13T02:24:00.000-08:00

Last post from Mumbai..
"Bombay is beautiful, not for its buildings for most of them hide squalor, poverty and dirt; not for its wealth for most of it is derived from the blood of the masses; but for its world renowned generosity. Bombay's charity has covered a multitude of her sins. She has enabled India to keep her promises."

- MK Gandhi, Young India, 1969

I've spent a little over two decades on this planet and have seen and lived in a fair number of places on it...but Bombay (I prefer the old name) has something special about it. It is by far the dirtiest city I've lived in and has the poorest infrastructure..The local train system is perhaps the best in this country, but it makes a poor lifeline for this city of 16+ million (Try getting off at Dadar, IInd class, at peak hour - I had my first experience of a mob and came off with a bruised ego and limb!).

No, this is NOT another ode to the city's undaunted 'spirit'...I'm frankly as annoyed as the average Bambaiya on hearing this cliche..also, as a writer, cliches bore me. But to borrow the TOI's often used peg..it is indeed a 'city of angels'..No..the bhajji walla is not a demi-god, but somehow I've witnessed many more acts of kindness on its streets than anywhere around the world. Random strangers have helped me without an ulterior motive and I've learnt to become more trusting..I'm safe in Mumbai and when I head home from work at 10pm..I don't fear for my life. You see, being a girl-woman in our country of 'goddess-worshippers' isn't such a great thing..and the capital, where I'm heading next, has the rather sickening moniker - "rape-capital". So yes..I'll really miss this place and all the friends I made here - people I met on the train, while on my way to work; the friends I made in school and college here and really..I'll just miss that something about this place - the walks at Jogger's, along Carter's, along the rare, tree-lined backlanes of Dadar..I'll miss the 'other' grand old lady at Bori Bunder..along DN road...my temporary workplace..and its wonderful office space..the local pav bhajji and vada pav..oh God..it's getting a bit tiring to type out everything and this is begining to sound like those God-awful acceptance speeches at the awards..

I think, to add my two cents worth of explanation to Bapu's verses on Mumbai - this city is like the immortal muse, the soul mate, who may not be the dandiest person around..indeed his/ her face may appear ugly to most..but scratch the surface and the bruised soul reveals a heart of gold. Like 'hope' at the bottom of Pandora's box..adieu..

2009-11-29T03:18:00.000-08:00

Anger Issues

Ok...I'm an otherwise gentle person, or so I would like to believe. But when I'm angry..god..I am ANGRY...It gives me a throbbing headache and I get all teary..because really I've a stream of expletives lined up inside my mouth and if it's a person who's pissing me off big time..all I really want is, to give said person a tight, jaw-breaking slap. But convention, social etiquette and all that big time bull, demands that I control the seething rage..which is easier said than done.
Another unfortunate fact - I take time cooling down...so there you have another of my flaws..When I am angry, I realise that I'm more conformist than I would like to think..It's not good...try counting backwards from 10 (from 50 or even 100 for me)...but to be honest...that's a quality I've been dying to develop, which still lies elusive...
Nevetheless..as they say...you grow with time and age..and thankfully I've many more years ahead of me..=) (small mercies!)

2009-10-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

Recession remembered - the not-so-fond memory (I hope!)
Expectations, I find, usually lead to discontent. Excitement is best controlled..lest it be frozen by wintry reality. Often in life, we begin to question the ultimate consequence of stuff.
The recession has been an eye opener for many, given to a decadent lifestyle. The media has been hit unusually hard...and sometimes I find a lot of the cost-cutting stemming from chindi-ness, parsimony, if you please. The kind that freezes recruitment, to overburden and stretch thin, the available resources and stops furnishing bathrooms with toilet paper, in the name of cost cutting. Thankfully, the idiocy of the latter has been realised by the powers-that-be! No finger pointing, because I think the whole system is to be blamed. Many newbies have been left facing tightly shut gates, with an all too prominent, NO VACANCIES sign. The revered behemoths have turned to reviled beasts, exasperating the egos of the seasoned and erasing the budding expectations of the new. Yes, they all tell you - it's not forever. But, the misfortune of being human is not being omniscient..and what I can't see, I can't trust, err..except maybe the one omniscient, omnipresent God! Besides, these days, even s/he is becoming unbelievably testy. What does one do?! You tell me? Cry out in frustration ofcourse! But what after that...
Thankfully, faith in oneself is NOT subject to macro and micro-economic factors. Period. Listen to Haidar's head, pick up those 8 newspapers, 2 periodicals, 2 non-fictions and a dozen or so weblinks to peruse...because apparently, the key to success lies in being well-read and knowing all that you can, which too is sometimes insufficient! If you die in the flood of literature...don't blame me....I'm content with my daily dose of current affairs, which I can realistically manage!

2009-09-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

Cowardly connotations
Sometimes...I'm really chicken. Yes! I said it. I break into tears rather easily, can't mask my emotions and hate to get chided...in fact I hate it so much that the very fear of landing into trouble gets me troubled! I hate myself for it at times...I mean, I'm a working girl now, a professional. It's not fitting for me...that too a journalist..to be the way I am. I keep critiquing myself for it. Admittedly, I've gotten somewhat better at it...but still my threshold of taking everything with a pinch of salt, without over-analysing and thinking incessantly,hasn't improved much. I sometimes trust and show too much affection...only to feel bad later. I indulge in venting my spleen and live to regret it later. My judgment of people is not as spot on as many people I've met..although my gut feeling is sometimes unforgivably demanding. Main aisi kyun hoon? Even the panditji...sitting miles away in Delhi can 'sense' my overworked mind! Hahahaha...am I like SO obvious!
Well, the only thing that keeps me going is some inexplicable faith..call it my God worthiness! Also, perhaps I feel that my intentions are never wrong and my heart is in the right place...I've seen people who don't have an iota of the personal weaknesses that I show..but then, I've seen the very same people doing some unforgivable deeds. In the end hopefully, everything balances out...equilibrium is after all a law of nature.

2009-09-05T22:51:00.001-07:00

What to do with the spirit?

I've been reading Paulo Coelho's 'The Winner Stands Alone'. This time for my b'day I got a huge stack of books and after finally finishing the tale of Howard Roark's ascent in the 'Fountainhead' and Sudha Murthy's repetitive collection of stories 'The Old Man and His God', started on this latest.
Most of the books, in one way or another pen the tale of a man's battle with his own inner desires and outer realities. Don't we all do that...ever so often. The helplessness is tremendous to say the least. Coping with it is a gargantuan task. I wonder how people do it..face the monster that kills your spirit each and every day..it may be a circumstance, an unsavoury happening or an insufferable person...
Yes, there are the optimisms 'This too shall end', 'There is light at the end of the tunnel', 'The night is the darkest before dawn' blah blah blah....I admit, these do help sometimes...Sometimes a silent prayer works wonders and perhaps so does a vent to the encompassing rage. For some it's a session of mindless TV while for others it's a bout of high-intensity workout. Oh God, but what do I do with the spirit...the aforementioned only calm the symptoms.
I guess, as poet Milton said...wait...

2009-08-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

With me

You know how it feels, to be out of touch with yourself..or maybe too close for comfort (yes, you're reading an abstract writer..pronto). I've been feeling that way..at 23 I realise there are somethings that I need to start doing as an adult...Britney Spear's accurately summarised this feeling in the lyrics of "Not a girl, not yet a woman". I've been feeling that way. I'm earning and trying to stand on my feet...I'm managing my bank account and ensuring that I cut my coat according to my cloth..(I'm yet to learn how to 'grow' my money outside investing in FDs). When I go on field and interview people, they address me as 'maam' and I'm yet to swallow that, you see it makes me feel older than I am..haha..but I love my job and that's the biggest/greatest contentment for me. Basically I realise that I can't depend on my parents for everything and I gotta make more and more decisions on my own..it's like a little bird's dilemma when it is all set to fly out...the open skies are a delight, but with no mummy or papa bird to fly along, if I encounter problems, how will I overcome. If my wing tires, how will I balm it? If my direction is wrong, will I have someone to correct it?

My friend jokingly added that I also need to start looking for 'the man'..haha..wonderful as the prospect sounds...I have a lifetime to spend with 'the man'...but right now, right here I'm living for me and am incredibly happy. Besides, I'm a strong believer in destiny..and most of the time am convinced about it..things happen when they are meant to happen. So with that belief, I rest my case..whenever my being seeks an answer to a particular problem.

Before I sign out..recently one of my articles got published in the rotract club magazine, Cheers! for life. Great effort by the editorial team..here's an abstract from my piece, "the divine painter" which I'm particularly proud of ;0)

"Life starts off as an empty canvas tempting destiny to colour its bareness with experience."

Experience - that is what I'm having, have had and will continue having

2009-07-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

The endless wait
Life has strange ways...and sometimes we find ourselves walking a lonely path, seemingly endlessly, with no horizon in sight. This can prove to be exceptionally tormenting, especially when one feels that there's a lot at stake. For some, it's that career break, for others it's a search for the right man/ woman/partner (giving due respect to 377, lesbians and gays) and for some others it's a search for their destiny, their calling. I don't know what I'm waiting for...sometimes ambition tempts my being...other times, I simply want to carry on. I'm, perhaps, too young to tell. I hope to get some answers soon.

2009-06-28T07:03:00.000-07:00

Forgiving yourself

Forgiveness, in the true sense, is a little hard. Be it forgiving others or forgiving yourself. I find myself grappling with the latter, rather frequently. Given my woefully naive nature at times, I say things and behave in a manner that is best kept private. The most common instance being - letting the tears out. Most of the time I'm a happy person, but there are times when I feel sad, upset, melancholy, depressed, disillusioned and what have you. Most people would probably shut up the tears for a more private audience, but I can't seem to do that. I cry and feel weepy and later feel like kicking myself for it. Why can't I be a little more dispassionate and unattached? Where most folks, stuck up in the ho-hum of their lives would forget or ignore, I tend to dwell and think endlessly about stuff...I think I need to do some growing up and real quick, to tackle this more or less self-centred, sadistic, corporate world. Other than that, I need to forgive the extra inches but not forget and go on a much needed diet (for a lifetime) - indulgence be warned. Let me emulate the Mahatma's simplistic living with (hopefully) more success than the last time.

2009-06-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

Of lists, listlessness and little sadness with happiness

It's been a while since I blogged...work has kept me quite tied up these last few weeks..a good number of bylines, lots of editing, cutting, chopping and hopping around. But it's done and I've got some money with a substantial more to come..so I'm a happy gal..more or less..

Talking about lists, I've made quite a few and read a few as well...lists are generally interesting when they list something about the person making them, so a little scwibble like "eggs for mom's b'day cake" almost always makes me smile. Then of course the personal lists that people make...hahaha...I've made a few myself..and they make me laugh with unadulterated mirth, in retrospect.

Listlessness...draws from lists..but means something that is world's apart and sometimes I get that sense, when I get the sick feeling that life is going nowhere and I haven't accomplished half of what I could have, should have and what others my age have...but then, that's just temporary and if I look at the half-full glass, I have certainly accomplished a fair bit and deserve a pat on my back..excuse the immodesty - I shall not brag about my accomplishments.

As for the little sadness..one of the young guys who works at my office drowned this week..The last I saw him was on a friday..he was hovering about, joking and laughing..and although I didn't know him personally I saw him come near my seat quite a few times to talk to the guy who sits there. Suddenly on Monday he was no more..infact he drowned on Saturday, but the body was only recovered from the Vasai lake (death-trap of a place) on Monday..Life is like that..today you're here and tommorrow..lo and behold you become but another body burried under the earth, where all things come from. Gem's death reinforced that belief..and taught me yet again, how important it is to value what you have, this splendid gift of life.

The same day I heard this tragic news, I also heard of age-old friends who have come to Mumbai to pursue their post grad...I may no longer know them as well as I knew them in the past..but past connections resurfacing always feels strangely pleasing..it gives me the reassurance that when we say never..we can never truly mean it..unless it was meant that way.

2009-05-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

Friends and strangers
It's really strange...feeling what we sometimes feel for some people who we hardly even know..wierd to say the least..But still most or all of our closest friends, good friends et al, were once just that - mere strangers we met on our first day of college, school, at an event, in the neighbourhood..whatever...

Life, they say should be lived in the present, for like it's namesake, it is a present, a gift..the gift of having one more day of living, to go out there and do the shit that we do..excuse the gangsta 'shit' word. But then, just as they come into our lives, so do they walk out, vanish, appear to vanish, fade away..I don't know. Whatever 'that' is...but I'll take it like, some people come into our lives for a reason, others for a season and like the passing day and night..they pass on to. When they do, some part of us seems to feel this awkwardness....But life goes on....I've had enough of such experiences, moving from Mumbai, then moving back from Singapore...and now..well I don't quite know where I'll be next and where some of the people I know..(I've 'safely' added people on FB..although it has its flaws..I feel it helps us maintain some connect with people and when the time and tide comes again..well, who knows..we may bump into a long-lost friend yet again...I've had those experiences over FB and it's always been pleasant!)

One last para..(if you've read thus far) - when it comes to friends and strangers, the best bit about life and its myriad opportunities is - making strangers into friends...and friends into better friends...but don't try too hard...I feel in matters of the heart, somethings happen at will..as if they were destined to happen :) I trust the man/woman/whoever up there!

2009-05-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Education, teaching etc
I've been writing on education for sometime now..it's taught me one thing for sure..education is certainly my beat of choice..no two ways about that. Reason being, I've always believed in the inimitable power of a good education, the influence of a rock-solid teacher and the thrills of having genuinely devoted students. All three are rare to find, at least in our homeland, the world's largest democracy. Nevertheless, I've always maintained, the most exquisite treasures are also the most elusive.

Besides writing on education, I've also worked in the field. I've taught both intellectually challenged as well as fully capable students wasting their intellect. The latter left me agonising deeply. Why? I question, are young people like that. I'm not as old as a few of my students believe me to be, owing to the 'teacher' tag. But I would rather die than do something like that...but then again..I am different and so are they. Guess, I need to accept them and their attitudes. Self-realisation is just that..SELF realisation. As a teacher perhaps I can motivate, but unless it comes from within, what is a teacher to do..what really is his/ her role?

All I really know is that education is pivotal to the development of our can-be-great nation and good teachers and a sound education are the need of the hour. Eons back Tagore summarised this value of education, of knowledge and learning in his beautiful verse:

"Where knowledge is free; Where the world has not been broken into fragments by narrow domestic walls; Where words come out from the depth of truth; Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection; Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert...; Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-widening thought and action --" Clearly knowledge has an incredibly positive aftermath, if only the thirst for knowledge was as greedy as the desire for material possessions.

2009-05-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

When life takes a toll
Sometimes, things aren't as good as we expect them to be; Sometimes thinking about the future can be a scary experience; Sometimes we feel low without a reason; Sometimes it all feel wrong eventhough it's alright...Life gets a tad crazy sometimes...even with sane and over-sane people. But it's all a phase..hard as it may be to cope, always remember - this too will pass. It's God's Law, or so I've come to believe. Amen.

2009-05-09T23:16:00.000-07:00

When idealism drowns, media monologues

I guess every student of media has been taught that like every other enterprise, media is also a business and money speaks - big time. Sometimes, marketing and money overtake editorial and ethics. No two ways about that. As a comparitively 'green' journo, I sometimes tend to take an idealistic view of journalism...but a year in the line has given rise to the crushing realisation that editorial, for many media conglomerates, is only second to marketing and most people will perhaps not think twice before dropping an article for an advertisement. It hurts for a bit...but then you swallow it. They need money and you need money to live and if they don't earn the money, you won't earn it either and in the process, content is sometimes compromised. So if you criticise a particular brand and those people pool in a lot of money for advertisements then your story is dropped, if you unwittingly write well about some brand, giving it 'free' publicity, you can be charged for it, so on and so forth. There are many if's and but's in the equation and there you have it.

A recent example (actually not so recent right now) was when the cover page of the NY Times, arguably one of the BEST papers in the business, was put up for ads. As a journalist, I feel that the cover page of any daily is a sanctum for all that this business upholds. People buy papers when they find the headlines eye-catching and headlines represent some of the most pressing issues of the day (of course sometimes, marketing mentality and intrinsic interests imply that headlines are coloured and things that may seem trivial to the masses make it to page1 because of so and so's vested interests..no further comments). A page1 byline is treasured by most scribes...so when the page 1 also succumbs to marketing and money-making, a small piece of your conscience shatters.

People call journalists all sorts of names, I'm not saying that some of us don't deserve it, but in my experience most scribes are not like that. They may be cynical, but there is some heart in there, for which they go to every nook and crany for stories that someone somewhere may benefit from. The media may be loathed at times, during 26/11 for instance. But it also always makes it to the list of social change-makers. But still there are aspects of it that are hateful, things, as forementioned, which one, scribes included, love to hate. But we live with it, c'est la vie...(shit happens), it also hits the fan many a times and heads are set rolling. Now, with the recession, the industry is reeling even more. But still, one must learn to treat it like a strangely alluring spouse, in whose imperfections, one must try and find the perfection. Somewhere in all the money-making, there is still hope for men (and women) who believe in the old school of editorial values. It may be an oft debated topic, but really, if there is no editorial, no quality content for people to read and for circulation to increase, marketing is pointless. What will it sell? People don't buy papers for the ads...they buy it for the matter. Of course, ads are important for the revenue and sustainance. But people who place marketing over editorial are not thinking wisely. period.

2009-03-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

When the passion goes missing

Work becomes depression,
holidays feel listless,
relationships are thrown asunder.
People evoke frustration.
When the passion goes missing,
Life becomes an endless blur.
But all is yet not lost,
only when you taste dispassion,
can you savour the thrills of passion.
So rise and shine..
It's yet another day..
So do your best and
at the end of it all, close your eyes and pray.
Someone's listening up there.

2009-03-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

The 150th..
So, I've reached my 150th blog post...must thank Winnie Leong..a former classmate in SG who inspired me to start a blog coz' she thought I was a decent writer and also because it would help me get a bit more comfortable with technology..so, if you're reading this Winnie..tks :) Also, to all the other people in my life from friends, family to colleagues and editors who've read my work and appreciated it..Tks to you too..
It's been a while since I entered the job fray...In India, it's been a little more than a month..but if I include my stint in SG..it's coming close to 1.5 years already..been alright. I've dabbled in all sorts of writing..from writing for my school magazine, to writing for newspapers, to writing for a lifestyle magazine to writing for kids..I've nearly done everything. Everything's been a learning experience for which I'm most glad. The other thing I've recently started, by the grace of Mr Kanti Patel, is teaching. I LOVE it...I mean..most of my students initially thought me to be a fellow student..but the rapport I've managed to develop with many of them feels really nice...
Finally, I think I'm atleast inching closer to things that I do for their own sake, rather than for any ulterior motive. I think, self actualisation may not be as hard to come by in the remaining decades of my life.

2009-03-01T04:18:00.000-08:00

Don't take it on your heart (dil pe mat le yaar, in hindi)
That's the one line I've heard almost regularly in the two decades of my life (atleast ever since I could understand it)...You see, I'm a rather EMO sorta person..painfully sensitive about small things at times. Most of this centres around my sensitivity about people. WHY? I sometimes question myself..it's never or rather almost never rewarding to count too much on people. To think too much about their words and actions...is pointless. Most people are rather insensitive about these pithy little things.
Detachment..is key. I'm learning to be a more or less solitary crusader. I've just stepped in to the cold, crude, selfish world of offices, co-workers and office-politics. (Touchwood) I've not had it that bad till now. But this one piece of advice rings in my ears everytime I feel let down by somebody. The boss (I shall not name anyone) said: "Hang out, be social, exchange talk and laughter..but NEVER get too close to anyone. It ends up hurting you when you start counting on people..even if they are really nice to you." It was sound advice..not very good relation advice though. But I feel, in the larger scheme of things, it matters. "You don't join places to make friends alone..you join them to make yourself. If good people come across, it's just a bonus!" The only glitch - Who then, are friends? In an increasingly competitive, time-strapped world, the definition is becoming increasingly narrow. Unfortunately. Reality bites. But one HAS to learn how to survive it and survive with flying colours. Happiness maybe elusive, but it's still there. One just has to search harder and be thick-skinned in the pursuit.

2009-02-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

The Mumbai local
It's been nearly half a year since I came to Mumbai - finally I'll be getting rid of the NRI tag and can register myself to vote. Politics and me definitely don't go together, but voting is something that I consider a vital duty (eventhough the people we vote for aren't even half up to our expectations...).

One other thing that I have finally gotten used to (relatively) is the Mumbai local train - the city's inevitable lifeline. 55% of its nearly 16 million population travels by train. As such it provides quite a local flavour. The fruit sellers, artificial jewellery sellers, hair clip wallas...they're all there along with the people - packed like sardines within the confines of the compartment. An awfully limited space. There is a jostle just to get a place to park yourself. When the train starts moving, the ups and downs of the journey are enough to make you lose a few kilos, provided the journey is long enough, the food in your stomach is limited and the frequency is regular. The experience is enough to erase any sense of dignity and decency you hoped to retain...because soon enough you realise that shoving and making your presence felt in order to get people moving is not a necessity, it's the norm.

Once you're there, you can ease yourself and even without any music enjoy the hum of conversation emanating from the crowd. The ladies compartment is especially a treat for the eavesdropper. After all women are known for being loquacious. There will be the women settling stuff on the phone, others gossipping about Mr X/Mrs X/Miss X from work who likes to eat up all adulation. Others talking about affairs of the heart, others texting so and so...it's a delight for the people watcher. Even the fashions on display are worth noting. From smartly dressed youngsters to suave office-goers to behenji homemakers....all sorts are there. Oh..and how can I forget the wannabes and Engrati speakers (English+Gujrati).

It's a delight...just that doing the same thing day after day can get tedious. Suddenly you're like an alarm clock waiting to buzz when it comes to catching the 9.11am ki morning local!

2009-02-08T04:13:00.000-08:00

The Rose-tinted glasses that I wear (most of the time)
It's time to make a self-confession...I think I've been fairly well-shrouded from the naked, desperate and flabbergasting realities of life..I've seen not even a percent of how bad it can get and I'm so grateful to God for that...I don't have words of prayer to thank him/her/whoever...enough. I've been so protected that now, even seeing it on television or in the movies is nearly impossible for me. Laugh if you wish, but I couldn't even sit through Slumdog Millionaire...the scenes depicting Jamaal's introduction to the answers he knew were so disgusting to watch..(don't misintepret me, I'm not questioning the filming, just the bare truth).
Maybe I'm wrong in my view of life..I know, I can certainly get more thick-skinned. It'll stand me in good stead, especially when simple little things often move me to tears....but two decades on since I came on this planet, it feels too late to change somethings...
Actually, isn't this true for most of us? I refer to the 'most of us' who have a roof over their heads, clothes to cover their nakedness and food to feed their system. How much we take for granted in our lives...

2009-01-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

On Nice and Not
*totally random
Recently on facebook a group of my buddies nominated me as one of the nicest people they know..sweet..I'm not sure how many others agree with that, because speaking ill of people, getting cheap thrills from malicious gossip and just being indifferent are qualities that have become rather common with us these days.

The Mangalore incident has received loads of publicity..but I think when it comes to morals, we are addressing the wrong ones..we are indulging in plain-speak about the superficial and tangible but what about qualities like compassion which are often found woefully missing in many segments of our populace.

We are concerned that our young are going to 'immoral' places like pubs and clubs but are we concerned about their insensitivity towards others - from the old, to the haggared to the handicapped..Why is it that few people raise their voice when a fit young person refuses to give up their seat on the bus to a older, more in need person, but when the same young person has a few shots at a pub we mercilessly beat him (or her) up?

Basically, the problem is that we're little concerned about moral policing and more about the outward shows..India - the land of family values - bull crap I say. Till people tackle the intrinsic issues plaguing our conscience, we have no right to blow the trumpet about our 'sabhyata'.
Just because a girl/guy enjoys drinking and hanging out with members of the opposite sex doesn't make him/her immoral and it certainly doesn't (in my eyes) prove that the person is worse than someone who doesn't indulge in such public practices but who in the security of his/her house mistreats his/her old parents and beats up the servant or backstabs a trusting mate. period.

2009-01-23T23:08:00.000-08:00

Of Commercialisation and Cellular Silence Days
*This is not an advetorial

Hindustan Times.com is perhaps the best online portal any newspaper in India has...in my opinion (let's hope it matters!). Among other things, I love reading the various blogs and columns by various media personalities that appear in it. A recent entry by Pratik Kanjilal (publisher of The Little magazine that I know nothing about!) caught my attention.

It touches upon (who else but) Narendra Modi...the much revered as well as reviled CM of Gujrat. But the text of Kanjilal's story is how certain groups have started a movement inspired by the erstwhile 'Swadeshi' and are boycotting the heart of Modi's success - commercialisation.

They are boycotting products from various commmercial enterprises like Reliance and Airtel and asking people to follow suit. In yet another example of harnessing technology to propound a revolution, a certain Ranjan Kamath is using the internet to ask people to switch off their mobiles on 30 January to mark the assassination of Bapu...(atleast someone remembers his death anniversary..most people take note of his b'day on 2nd Oct, as it's a holiday...)

Apparently it has worked, with the Tata's slapping a legal notice that warns of a defamation suit on Kamath..But news of such an action can only work against the group because in my opinion, Kamath makes a point and very important one at that - we need to slow down and reduce the ever increasing commercialisation in our lives...Probably the recession may help...

Modi as PM or for that member Ratan Tata as India's Obama (I'm even a member of a FB group supporting Tata's Obamanisation!!)...Not quite...I think when we think of leaders we need to think of people who can step outside the commercialisation of it all and actually give us all a break...

2009-01-13T00:48:00.000-08:00

About SLUMDOG wins...
While everyone is out rejoicing the win of Rahman and 'Slumdog Millionaire' (SM) at the Golden Globes, the journo within me, while happy, can't quite escape a sense of seething cynicism. I tried writing to the editorial pages of a few papers, but I guess I can't do justice to ALL my cynicisms in a short e-mail, so I'm using this convenient blogspace to vent and spew and not get cut-short by any gate-keepers although my reach would be small..but heck..I care not.
- SM is at heart a typical masala, bollywood movie with all the accompanying dhoom, dharaka, song and dance. The very thing that many 'firangis' make fun of in our desi movies. BUT it has Danny Boyle directing it, therein it has a naturally infused 'hollywood sensibility' and immediately qualifies for SO many awards. Leads me to wonder whether Aamir Khan's 'Lagaan' and presently his 'Taare Zameen Par' would have stood a better chance at the international awards if they too had a Danny Boyle or a Martin Scorcese in their crew.

- Also, the slumdog realities of India are suddenly exciting most of these firangi jury members. Arvind Adiga's 'White Tiger' dealt with the daily struggle in poverty striken India and it won a Booker, Danny Boyle's SM too looked at these Slumdog realities and voila! it's now contending for a Oscar...amazing huh? So I get it, people outside India are sick of its 'shining' story and want to show what filth really exists here..ya? So anything that satisfies this craving in a satisfactory way, wins an award..yay! I may have finally discovered a genuinely current, winning formula...(I may be writing a book about my deaf and mute jamaadar soon).

Adiga may be Indian but he emigrated to Australia and currently has an Australian/Indian citizenship. He came here for a few months, strolled the streets, spoke to a deluge of people, observed the more-than-obvious, glaring poverty and disparity between the rich and poor and penned a novel that made it to the booker...and Boyle, borrowed the 'Q&A' script by an Indian author, came here, had a (until recently low-profile) Loveleen Tandon do the casting, location hunting and co-directing of his film on India and it's slums and he may just win an Oscar....I maybe wrong, but I find that these people 'maybe' inspired by the idea of India, but they're certainly not part of it and in actual reality they're just profiteering from it's poverty.

If you don't agree with me but just feel that I'm spoiling the party like a grouch, forgive me. I'll own up if TZP wins a foriegn language Oscar or a book about our nation's inspiring idea like Nandan Nilekani's 'Imagining India' or past books like Pandit Nehru's 'The Discovery of India' or APJ Abdul Kalam's 'Ignited Minds' are ever nominated and win an internationally acclaimed award.

-

2009-01-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

GYM RATS
So, like the hundreds of others who made a resolution to cut the flab this year, I too found a reasonably priced gym and became a member (it's recession time after all).

I find gyms to be wonderful playfields when it comes to people-watching..yes, I know the intellectuals among my readers find this a very lowly hobby, but excuse me...I LOVE to people watch and just to clarify..bitching about others IS DIFFERENT from merely observing them. Besides, as social animals it's our 'janm-sidh adhikar' (birth-right) to indulge in such frivolity!

Now, gyms can feel like a downer if you're on the wrong side of the scales (like yours truly) and feel tired after an intense hour of cardio and pumping iron. But if you're fit and fab...it's the best damn place to show off..So I find some fab bodies wearing lycra gear to show off their amazing gams and abs...Nice...I'm happy for you..But trust me, it looks outright cheap when one can decipher exactly what underwear you're wearing through the thin cover of the lycra. Also, please, if you're well-endowed, it's best to avoid such displays....I won't venture further. For the intelligent, just a hint is enough...

Then there are the narcissistic and arrogant trainers (some of them) who can't stop hinting (or screaming aloud actually) just what a mess you've made of yourself and how much mind-boggling effort it will take to get back into decent shape. OK! I get it..I need 2 sets of 30 push-ups to work those blessed love-handles...but is it a must to scream it out and let the whole place know what a supposed loser I am just because I'm out-of-shape and getting tired of the damn work-out?! (My instructor, bless her, was kinder, she only gave me 20...)

Oh, and how can I forget the aunti-jis and uncle-jis..I've utmost respect for our senior citizens but sometimes I find, with some of them, they fail to realise their age. Tight gym gear in loud colours looks awful and more so if you're 50 and above, with all the obvious signs of ageing. Sagging, wrinkly skin, walking with a hunch, a healthy gift of excess flab etc are a few hard-to-miss signs. But I was shocked to see one of the aunties flirting shamelessly with a guy instructor half her age...ewwwwww....

The last of the specimens I have observed are well-toned people in tight gear (will somebody just wear a pair of gym pyjamas already?!) who think it's alright to keep checking out others, talking and laughing loudly with friends and generally making themselves stand-out...I think someone should tell them that this is just harming their reputation...that's all..

Just a signing off note...all this in meant in jest, please don't take offence..Maintaining a healthy body is an excellent thing to do...so goodluck if you've joined some regimen :)

2009-01-11T00:42:00.000-08:00

Clinging on by a 'hair' breadth

I've been shedding hairballs like a puppy dog and although my mom and my hair-dresser have calmed my concerns about going bald...I'm still agitated by the regular loss of my, so to say, 'crowning glory'..haha. Trichology (the science of hair-management - I kid you not) isn't as developed in India, so I haven't yet visited a doctor (also called a trichologist) to confirm that all's fine and that this is just a 'phase'. Nevetheless, I've gone for my regular 'short-bob' and am praying fervently to my dear God, asking him (alongside everything else) not to snatch my beloved hair...Hah, you say, I'm superficial...please..I'm not..I'm just like any other girl...we girls (much like you boys - although YOU may not show it) are concerned about our hair (and everything else above and below it!).

This past week has also exposed me to the 'hair-breadth' by which we are clinging on to our fragile lives in this city of muck (as Ms De calls it). The city of slumdog millionaires (and I'm not referring to the Danny Boyle AND Loveleen Tandon's movie) where a problem with the daily local, a strike by TV workers, truckers and petrol PSUs can virtually bring the common man's daily life to naught. On top of that we have the incredibly thick idiots across the border playing havoc by sending their terror pin ups to Mumbai and these, even more idiotic (for want of better word) boppers think they're conducting mission Kashmir, confusing aamchi Mumbai to aapri Kashmir...PLEASE forgive me if you think I'm making light of the situation. I'm moved to tears of painful, stomach-gripping laughter by such confessions...

In these times, I'm just glad that I know a few nice and decent folks...with whom I've spent some memorable moments in recent history, especially the some of the CEB peeps - Shaivi, Tanvi, Disha and Abhinav - tks much :)

2009-01-01T02:15:00.000-08:00

A bucketful of fatigue with a pinch of hope

Yeah...that's me, at the moment. Don't call me a pessimist, just because today I don't feel "spirited". 2008 was a tough one...it had it's ups and downs but by and large, as the year draws to a close and people take to revellery, my heart seems to skip a beat...I lost my grandmom this year and Mumbai, my beloved city, bruised it's soul. There remain several personal and family matters to resolve and the air is rent by uncertainity and complexities. I don't know what the future holds, my mind is fatigued and the corners of my heart feel lonely today.

Today...maybe I'm not at my best...but soon I shall be. After all, like all past years this January the first is also the beginning of yet another new year with new hopes, new challenges and therein new reasons to rejoice. I've smsed a few pals this view, a few have smsed back...Life goes on..see you on another new day...

2008-12-18T00:32:00.000-08:00

Indian beauty etc etc
I've heard it rather often that we Indians have been gifted with good features and if luck plays a part - good complexion. I wouldn't like to touch on the rather touchy issue of skin colour bais that is rather rampant in this country. But yes, if you are fair and you are an Indian, most people would think you good looking just by the description (not the case always though, I assure you with some solid personal experience backing me on this one).

Nevertheless, this whole beauty thing came into focus with Miss India, Parvathy Omnakuttan making it to the First Runner Up position at Miss World. Now, Parvathy, I knew her briefly having spent a few months doing Lit at Mithibai years back, is firmly ensconced in her middle class Indian values and a certain down-to-earth-ness reflects strongly in her personality. Something very refreshing to see in beauty queens.

But the TOD (topic of discussion) is not really Parvathy, or how she cried with shock after missing the main crown, or her personal achievement in going from Mithibai to Miss World to ending the eight year dry run for this country, 'supposedly' filled with beautiful women, at the pageant.

My point is, I sometimes find the whole "Indian people (especially women) are the most beautiful people in the world" statement somewhat farcical simply because I've come to understand that the benchmark of this beauty is quite unrealistic.

Most people who say this, use Bollywood's bevy of beauties as their reference point. Not everyone back home has the looks or for that matter the means of maintaining the looks of an Aishwarya Rai, Preity Zinta or Priyanka Chopra and they certainly aren't the only kind of women you find here. Our country is one of immense, mind-boggling variety - so you have skin tones and features of all kinds and people from some north-eastern provinces have features so close to the Chinese that they are often considered foriegners in their own soil!

But despite all this variety, you still find a certain sameness in most bollywood beauties and beauty queens. Blame me if you think I haven't been noticing properly - but when did you find a real, dusky woman with a generous figure (yes, by the grace of god we're fairly flab-endowed people) dominate the beauty circles? Now all we get is boot cut, size zeroes....and the beauty ideal in India is all but Indian - Fair girls close to the S size and if she has light eyes - it's a bonus. I know of girls who've absolutely beautiful eyes in perfect shape (minus myopia) wear coloured lenses just because they think it's in...WHY?

Enough said...I'm kind of tiring hearing the beauty woes and practices of some girls around me and I don't understand why everyone is hell-bent on succumbing to a particular principle or notion of beauty. They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and if I was placed in the position of this invisible beholder who sets what's beautiful from what's not, I would say that beauty is undefinable and if you think yourself beautiful there is no need for any external validation. period.

2008-12-15T05:39:00.000-08:00

Of Job Hunts and Confusion
So, I quit a cushy placement and education in Singapore to come right back to square one in Mumbai. Do I feel like kicking myself for it, not really...But I'll confess - it certainly is frustrating.
Recession has certainly had a fallout in India albiet of a lesser intensity than other countries. Nevertheless, the job sector has been hit and finding jobs is no easy task especially when you lack the 'famous Indian reference'.
In India...besides qualification and merit, for the first break you need a reference. However, I've never really believed in references, especially because I've never had to resort to them before. In comfort-laden, meritocratic SG, the internet is a useful and reliable medium to apply for jobs. But unfortunately, till now my experience suggests that in India, this medium is only name-sake. Unless - you have the REFERENCE.
None of my immediate family has strayed near the glitzy world of media - newspapers, TV, radio etc etc...Now, I've become a first and am having to crusade for my cause. I've had little success, save an article in The Education Times...atleast that was on my own merit. One of the biggest pluses of being an exception and getting something minus the reference.
Nevertheless, if I do find some good samaritan..willing to help..I would willingly accept it, as long as the 'reference' is known and decent..period.
Alright..wish me luck..and I'll keep my journey posted. Hahaha. It's just been a few weeks, so I'm trying to keep up the optimism, especially because (call it being 'sadistic') I know of people who've had it far worse in seeking employment. Atleast I've a supportive family and am not desperate for livelihood. The job is more a means of intellectual stimulation and finding my feet - earning your bread feels much better than just eating it. Besides, I'd love to gift my parents something from my first permanent salary :)

2008-12-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm alright...coping
Ok...just a quick update because there is just too much happening around me at the time..A BIG sorry to all those I may have upset because of not keeping in touch. But people, I just got a proper internet connection yesterday. Before that the slow and lousy dial-up that I had made it impossible for me to do anything because it took ages to upload pages.
Things in Mumbai are getting sort of back to normal, but if I confess, the whole episode did shake me up. I was there, at the CST just 2 days before all this happened and I've been going there quite regularly even after that. But I can't quite get over the fear psychosis that I may not return back after venturing there....Just the thought of walking on a platform where 50 over innocent bodies lay, decomposing, covered in blood leaves me distraught.
People have been lighting candles, participating in peace protests, but unfortunately, due to prolonged, severe sinusitis I have been unable to do so. :( For the first time in my life, I'm angry. Angry with our politicians and angry with Pakistan. One of the worst things that happened here was the brutal murder of the 6-month pregnant wife of the Rabbi and assaults on her 2-year old son before he 'thankfully' managed to escape those horrible Pakistani terrorists. Just seeing and reading about their horrendous activities leaves me questioning the conscience of the people being bred as terrorists there. I know that not every Pakistani is bad, but there are so many rotten elements in the society and the political machinery is so weak that it does nothing to salvage our dwindling faith in the country.
However, despite everything that happened..life goes on...and I've accepted that when I'll go, it will be the time for me to go..period. So, I stand reconciled and am continuing the job hunt...and writing in wherever I can. It may take some time, but I'm positive. Some good news may be on its way, hopefully.
Till then it's a daily prayer...for deliverance.

2008-10-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

Putting things in perspective...
To the few people who've visited this cyber-space since I left, I apologize for the delay in posting. Not a regular blogger anyways.

What can I say? I'm back in my homeland and both its pros and cons are glaring back at me. However, by and large, the feeling of being home has some unfathomable, uncomparable joy in it. Life abroad may have a zillion comforts and conveniences, but home is home despite all its shortfalls.

We've been indulging in desi khana (food), desi (window) shopping and desi transport now and then (desi = indigenous, I think). Staying in an apartment at Intercontinental Mumbai..it's one of the best hotels in the city with a variety of facilities. Folks in Singapore - there's even a certain dish called Singapore noodles on the menu here...hahaa..nothing Singaporean about it except a good amount of chicken!

But going on to the more serious part of this entry - the perspective bit. Everytime you walk out on a street in India you are faced with abject poverty, a fact all Indians know and most are wilfully blind to. A stint overseas makes this even more pronounced and suddenly all your creature comforts create a sense of shame when you find that little kid on the street desperate with hunger and crying as loudly as his/her empty stomach will permit.

It almost reduced me to tears when we went to this posh restuarant, ordered a bit more than we could eat and as a result wasted some of it just to come out and see such a sight. I've since taken to packing leftovers and extra fruit and other stuff from the hotel room and giving it to these street kids. I've also been cutting down heavily in my own life...No need for fancy new clothes, shoes, jewellery etc. I have enough to last me a long time.

It's festive time in India with Deepavali in just a few days and people have been giving in to indulgence at a break neck speed. It's hard not to be tempted but I've made up my mind against unnecessary expenditure. Anyways, with grandma not feeling too well and the settling in phase in full swing, I doubt this year will be high on festivity for me.

I'm nearly done reading Gandhi's autobiography and something that stuck with me was his 'simple living, high thinking' philosophy and the fact that a healthy lifestyle replete with daily exercise and diet control can make this easier to achieve.

Clearly life can do without too many material comforts and searing ambition - especially when you see just how much you have vis-a-vis so many others around you.

2008-08-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

Farewell, good ol' SG
"It's in the dew of small things that the heart finds it's morning and is refreshed."
Life is so strange, often we keep waiting for the big stuff to happen to us, taking for granted all the small little treasures littered along the road...
So it was that I came to SG four years back, anxious, apprehensive yet hoping for sweet time..yes, I got that but not without a lot of bitterness...But I've learn't that bitterness has a way of making the heart stronger and the skin thicker..and the people who cause you pain are teaching you lessons too..lessons in learning to overcome the dozens of similar folks you shall (hopefully not!) meet again.
But the circle of life has a balance and I'm so glad about some of the things that happened to me in Singapore...
- The fabulous internship and temp position at TNP
- The rewarding diploma with merit in Mass Comm
- The music...
- Achieving my still-mediocre-but- better-than-before confidence with technology
- Some lovely people I got to know along the way...Eva, Evon, Eunice, Tharuka, Shaheen, Wanning, Cheryl, Chings, Swan, Aditi, Char, Cher...the list is long..
I'm so grateful to this country for all of the above...I hope I've done an all-encompassing summary.
Here's a note:
I may be out of sight and physical proximity, but I always check my e-mail...and you'll should be having it...so drop mails from time to time and I shall too..if you happen to come to Mumbai, don't forget to alert me. The wonderful experiences that I've had here shall be with me forever and when I feel wierd, unhappy or down...thinking about the fun times and all the great talk shall instantly lift my spirit..
Much Love
Meghaa aka Megs aka Megsy aka Mei Jia (Yingmin kindly translated my name in Chinese and seeing that it means good things...I'm more than happy!)

2008-07-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

Everything's relative...
What inspired this blog post was a recent sit down with a close acquaintance. I've always maintained that somehow we can let our secrets spill in strangers simply because we may not really be seeing them again. It was another such momentary meeting, where the girl (I shall not reveal her name for privacy purposes) talked about feeling inferior in relation to some people around her.

The said person, lets call her Janice, and I were talking about our families and friends when she touched upon how she feels around her prettier, popular cousins who seemed a lot more accomplished than she felt herself. One of her cousins is at Yale and another at Harvard and they're both quite an item, or so she said. This of course prompted my dormant agony aunt to surface and help reduce the girl's inferiority complex.

But truth is, we do indeed find ourselves feeling a bit low when surrounded by super confident, successful people with a lot going for them and going a tad weak-kneed in the presence of stunning people isn't just a saying..In fact studies have shown that men find their WAGS unattractive when they've just come back from the company of far more gorgeous women. Explains why some women hit the roof when their men want a bit of playboy fun..hahaha.

I think it happens to everyone - sometimes when you're at a restuarant and a really hot group of girls and guys is having a blast at the next table, you suddenly start feeling a bit self-conscious. People who deny such feelings are probably lying to themselves or are just uber confident (good for you!). Here's when a healthy self-esteem, a moderate feeling of contentment and having some people who love you regardless of everything matter the most.

After speaking to Janice, I thought myself lucky to have some of these things that I sometimes take for granted. As for her, I just told her to take it in her stride. There are always bigger and better things than being infatuated with ourselves and our feelings of mediocrity/superiority versus those of others. Period.

2008-07-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes existence is but a matter of thought
As I attend to the few random things - occasional writing, music, art and daily workouts - and to the people who have not forgotten to call/make a date, the thought of existence and deep intellectual yearnings passes my mind.

The following lines from Khalil Gibran's 'The Prophet' sum my feelings at the moment:

"...he climbed the hill without the city walls and looked seaward; and he beheld his ship coming with the mist.

Then the gates of his heart were flung open, and his joy flew far over the sea. And he closed his eyes and prayed in the silences of his soul.

But as he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart:

How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and aloneness without regret?

Too many fragments of the spirit have I scattered in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.

It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.

Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.

Yet I cannot tarry longer.

The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.

For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould."

K. Gibran (1991), The Prophet, Pan Macmillan, London

2008-07-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

Life is a crazy, stupid, unpredictable, imperfect yet lovable ride...
Sometimes I look back at the things that I've done/that have happened to me in my 'over two decades' on this planet and I feel like landing a kick at myself - I've acted crazy and stupid at times and sometimes my situation has been crazy. I've done stuff that is too embarrassing to reveal, more so on an 'anyone-can-access' place like the internet.
But then again, maybe it was fated. Maybe without them I would perhaps not be the person I am..I'm no big-wig, famous, young and pretty face about town. I certainly have my insecurities but I feel that the freedom that I've been given comes with the choice of making mistakes and learning from them.
If we were perfect people living in the perfect world, our lives would be a tad less 'happening', for want of a better word, forgive me. If we knew what may happen to us the very next moment, I think life would be quite the bore. Sometimes destiny can be the very next sms/telephone call that your receive and that itself makes this crazy, stupid, unpredictable and imperfect life, lovable.

2008-07-02T06:10:00.000-07:00

'Liberty and the pursuit of happiness'
It's been a day since I got back from the States..it was an OK trip and I didn't get as wild and infatuated with America as many who go there tend to get, in my experience.
This could very well be because - I got sick of pizza's and potato fries; I accidentally deleted around 400 of my amateur shutterbug shots(and cried for 15 minutes after that before proceeding to take whatever other photos I could with my new camera); I got thoroughly tired by the end of the half-month trip and could not wait to get into my own bed.
But it was not all tears and tiredness. In the midst of it all I learnt a few vital things about the country which makes an appearance in all our lives in one way or the other - be the the American brands - the GAP's, Banana Republic's, Clinique's - the American media conglomerates - WB, Disney, Viacom (it owns MTV) - the US Dollar and the fluctuations at Wall Street that affect our economies.
In America, 'liberty' is the keyword - it's stamped upon their coins and on every significant landmark in their country and subsequently it marks their personalities. America is a free country - where the sky is the limit for being and possibilities are endless if you believe..and the people do believe - after all 'In God We Trust' is their logo.
America is also a very patriotic nation although in all honesty - the American people are a vast and varied mix of immigrants who have managed to somehow put away their differences and create what is a unique and multifaceted 'American' identity that gives an ideal to many wannabes. The flag is truly the national icon and it is posted everywhere, on every corner street, in every part of the country.
This combination of freedom and national pride together comes in a package called the 'American Dream' - the dreams of the free people living in the nation. But freedom becomes pricey when it's prefixed with absolute and I found that to be a major grievance. People need to understand that a man's freedom becomes a problem when it intrudes upon another or hurts the other. Frankness is a good quality but diplomacy is just as important depending on the situation and the man on a street in America (unlike its politicians) tends to lack a certain warmth and subtlety.
But that aside, the people have an invaluable quality that is perhaps the secret to success - the ability to get over the pitfalls and tragedies of life. So be it Pearl Harbour (PH) in December 1941 or the WTC in 2001 - they mourn and use the pain to get stronger. So PH is followed with a bold move to bomb the 'Jap suckers' (dialogue from the movie of the same name) and WTC is followed by Afghanistan and Iraq bombings - all in the name of a War on Terror. But what moved me was building the 'Freedom Tower' as a mark of respect to those who lost their lives because war is never the wise option, I feel.
The war memorial at Washington with 55,000 names of soldiers who died, were lost and who returned from the Vietnam war carved upon a granite alabaster made me realise just how hard the Americans have faught and though loss has been a constant companion, the way they honour their dead is worthy of much respect. The thousands of dead and the occassional card lying at the base with scribblings in a child's hand and a bunch of flowers with the flag (yet again) left a deep impression on me.
But it was not all bloodshed, the beautiful, cloudy skies, the academic town of Boston with it's ipod bearing, backpack slinging populace, the old-world charms of Rhode Island, the thrills at Niagara and the sheer fun at Walt Disney and Universal Studios - the diversity of the country and its offerings are surreal and I'm glad I took the long haul, body-clock disturbing flight.
It was one of my must-visit places that I planned on travelling to before I died...and I did. If I can I would perhaps go back to NYC another time or maybe do my post grad at Boston. What can I say "In God I Trust"!

2008-06-06T03:40:00.000-07:00

On birthdays and graduation
It's been a while since I left New Paper - truly an amazing place to work - and graduated with merit...and well..today I turn 22. Soon I'll be off on a whirlwind vacation, will thereafter be packing and re-settling and soon finding a new, decent job in a new place. Life as I know it right now, as I sit typing this 131st entry within the quaint, cool and surreal study (which belongs to my dad) shall (perhaps) never be the same again.
So I'm taking some time off on this day when I was born over two decades back, to record my feelings and mark them (perhaps for a long time to come) on cyber space.

- Last friday I attended my own graduation. The three years at Ngee Ann were good, they taught me a lot of things and I'm quite satisfied with the overall result, perhaps the vegetarian food on the graduation dinner menu could have been better...But yeah..it was closure all right and armed with the photographs (even one of me dropping the blessed empty scroll box with Kenneth Tan trying to save it) I know I have preserved some laughter and smile-worthy memories.

- Today I attended my brother's high school graduation - a seemingly low-profile ceremony - but the liveliness of the close to 80 students from myriad countries including Iran, Israel and the UAE made it much more colourful than my own.

- Today I also turn 22...but I don't feel it one bit. Indeed if my mother's words are to be marked "Congrats on turning 6!" hahaha...for parents their children are always young..I guess. Tommorrow I'm looking forward to a fun time with friends who have made my years in Singapore worth cherishing...For those who could not make it...we'll always have facebook!

Thanks all for the b'day wishes..I shall reply to each one soon..and congrats to the graduating batches of 2008..Here's some food for thought I picked up from bro's graduation today:
"Good judgements come from experience, but experience often comes from bad judgements!"

Throw your caps, feel the freedom, make your mistakes, LEARN from them and therein make your life better.

2008-05-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

Life etc
SO my life's been thrust into a familiar situation of uncertainty, trial and tribulation (hopefully not the latter bit) yet again. The road that seemed to be isn't open any longer. At least that's what a tiny voice inside of me says..although the options are always available. But somehow I yearn to take up the unfamiliar, more risky option. Call it sheer madness but that's what I've chosen and I'm trying to become a sort of a smooth operator with it.
Details later...
In others, doing up my childhood album was a cathartic exercise. I never realised just how far I've come..in the negative..how far behind I was. I think, growing up, mostly in Delhi I never really got an opportunity to know me. I was an incomplete person..somehow..I can feel the chasm..just beneath the surface of the still photographs that have accumulated an air of abandonment in the over-two decades of my life. They portray a person whom I left so far behind that even if I want/need, I can't touch her. Good thing is that I don't want to..I no longer wish to travel with the baggage of the past that sags my shoulders, clouds my mind and slows my pace. "Only what counts, counts"
I literally and analogically only want to/wish to carry forward the essential learnings. No point growing up to be just the way I always was. There are some things good and some plain ugly about the process. It makes sense to accept the ugly, work to make it better and try and retain the good while striving to make oneself better.

2008-05-20T00:53:00.000-07:00

Excuse my quirks when I point out your spelling errors etc..
There are all kinds of people and one type, familiar to many journalists, editors and most of all sub-editors are the infamous grammar nazis.
They claw newspaper copy, cover to cover and painstakingly jot down every single grammar/typo error and then dash these off to the newsroom. I admire them, sometimes, but most of time I wonder what kind of person spends a portion of their 24 hour day in going over every inch of newspaper space and taking note of subbing mistakes - small, grammar mistakes that happen when rushing to beat the clock. No one does it on purpose and no one savours the result.
Factual errors are another ball-game altogether and I wouldn't want to touch upon them. Some ghastly errors have happened over the years in the exciting yet unforgiving and all-encompassing world of media, journalism and reporters.
I wouldn't go to the extent of calling myself a grammar nazi, but yes, obvious errors in copy, including my own, make me cringe. I hate the risk of being labelled a schmuck, but sometimes I can't help myself. Please forgive me, I try, but it's like a bad habit that refuses to go off..I'm trying.
I can't forget a vital lesson a revered English teacher once taught me - "the best thoughts are laid to waste when served in a vessel of bad writing - spelling errors, poor construction and a general appearance of carelessness from the author".
She had given me a miserable 2 out of 7 points for my first ever 1000 word English composition.

2008-05-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

Acceptance..
Sometimes it's so hard to accept some things...especially stuff that doesn't seem to reflect so well upon you.
Not getting the job you wanted, not getting into the university of your choice, not getting the love you always wanted, not getting the friendship you desired, not getting the posting you desired, not getting the results you wanted..it's a never-ending list.
A friend recently confessed that not getting a friend request accepted on facebook hurts her.
I know only too well what it means to not get what you feel you really want. It's hard when your feelings are not reciprocated, and it's not just in matters of the heart. It hurts real bad, you cry a bit, but eventually you move on..save face..if it was something you blabbered about to others.
But after 20 over years of facing rejection of many different kinds, from not getting the crayon set I wanted to not getting the latest Barbie to losing friendship and love, I've learnt that perhaps accepting and rejoicing in what you already have is definitely one of the many keys to unlock the route to true happiness.
Contentment is never easy, I can preach all that I want but I still want to kick off the excess pounds, get Ivy-league exposure, get a rocking job and get a man who completes me. But a will to try yet accept whatever comes my way saves the day for me, day after day.
I may still end up single, without the Ivy league exposure and with many more pounds to shed, but I think I'll survive it. Acceptance, said Dumbledore is the first step to understanding and ultimately to finding solutions for your life.
On the positive side, what we feel we need isn't always what we really wanted and what we get, that we feel isn't what we needed, is actually what we wanted all the way. Go figure!

2008-05-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

GROWING UP
Thanks to FB (Facebook) I've gotten in touch with some classmates from a former era that seems long past. Some people had put up a class photograph from our final year in primary school - circa '97. It has really been AGES.

It's an exercise in growing up, when you are confronted with the grown-up realities of life - taller, perhaps a tad cooler with the party-animal addition, you have the whole girlfriends and boyfriends thing going on. Association with your pals always comes with an unwanted, additional paraphernalia. Sooner or later you get swallowed by the working world and colleagues. Relationships come to an end, others begin. It's non-stop from there. Some day you tie the knot, settle down, have kids, watch them grow up and leave the nest and then, you are back to the freedom of old-age. Wrinkled, a little less of a good-looker than before, with hopefully a stable companionship that lasts till the sun sets on your life.

Sometimes things end even before they begin and rude surprises await us in the kitty..much like the little emperors and empresses, born of China's one-child policy, who lost their lives in schools across Sichuan and all that's left of them are the school books, the bag, the tiny shoe peeping from the rubble.

Sometimes we end up lonely, having everything yet having nothing or actually having nothing - no love, no life, no nothing. When even the crowd seems to part and you're left with a weird whirring sound inside of your soul, you know it can't get worse...or perhaps it can't get better.
You believe in the existence of God but you want to have more than just blind faith.

If feels like we're racing through time. What are we living for..what's this unnecessary clutter, undying need for status, respect, success, life itself...Is youth merely a wild party? Is work merely a success route to moolah and recognition? Is old-age a wrinkled doom?

What do we actually want out of life..beyond love, relationships, success...I think there is a lot more, but I'm not able to put a finger on it. It can be as simple as reading a good book, enjoying a good movie, eating a delicious spread or getting a hug and "I love you" from that little kid after you've helped him do his art project. But I haven't got it deciphered as yet. True happiness like the alchemist's treasure is elusive. It's there yet not there.

2008-05-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Warning: Random, philosophical stuff
There is only one universal truth about ambition - doing things that ultimately make you happy. It's always wise when setting goals for ourselves, we should leave some place to decide whether our actions will leave us happier.
Sometimes inhibitions can come in the way, sometimes our actions especially those on impulse seem ridiculous and oh-so-stupid, sometimes we are left thinking why we did what we did. But if in the depths of our soul we feel happy about the outcome, then be it. Let others think what they have to.
But if doing something left you with deep regret, although you started out with hope and some blind faith - then quit. The stuff/person/incident was never worth your while. Much as we would like it, the world is never quite a bed of roses and how much ever pretty the roses may appear, they still have thorns underneath. Look for the rainbows instead. They may appear far, may seem like an illusion but may end up being the real deal.
I always have this feeling of walking on a path pre-determined for me, so I walk on, taking everything in my stride and for the skeptics - it has always bettered me in some way or another. Amen.

2008-05-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

How to approach newspaper reading
Newspaper reading doesn't feature very high on most people's daily priorities - especially youngsters. When compared to the kind of hours people within a newsroom spend on making the paper, the average of 20 to 30 minutes that most people spend on reading it are a real lesson in humility for most journalists.

But I find that a little less than an hour of "smartly" reading the paper can be a very efficient exercise in building your knowledge of current affairs and general knowledge. It is also a very good way of improving your vocabulary.

Since ST is the largest circulating daily in Singapore, let's start with it. For one, ST has so many sections and sub sections, cynics and environmentalists may cry foul that it single handedly destroys an entire jungle every day! I don't know about the recycling bit and I claim to be no expert.

But, we are talking about intelligent reading. Most readers, especially the youngsters read Life! and browse through the main paper. If truth be told, that's hardly what one can consider enlightening. Leave Life! for recreational reading.

The first thing is to read the main paper - the biggest news stories gripping the nation at press time. After a while, you will have all the main issues on your finger-tips - from food shortage to rising food prices to Tibet to employment and foreign workers.

These days ST has adopted a cover-page layout that greatly resembles a layout common to a major Indian daily - Times of India. There are the main stories in the centre , other important stories on the left and the news feature column, Upfront on the right. So if you really lack the time, you can simply read the cover page and finish up.

If you do have the time, flip to the second page for major headlines in all the different sections. There is also a "what it should have been" - embarrassing errors made in the stories - cynical readers love going over that to have reasons to claim that dailies in Singapore are going to the dogs....to each his own.

A common complaint that people have is the lack of time to read an entire article. The most important news point always comes in the first 3 paragraphs of the story. No further. So you don't need to read the whole article if you don't feel like it. I generally do that for some TNP feature stories and the the review pages of ST.

At this juncture, I would like to encourage every reader to go over the review pages. The writers and their commentaries often leave you with food for thought and a better understanding of world affairs. So take some time for it, even if you must force yourself into it.

Flip through Home - it often has a gem hidden alongside the increasingly mundane reports of murders, thefts, housebreaking, accidents etc etc (I hereby ask the crime journalists to excuse my honest confession, but snatch thefts I feel will only excite the victim and the thief). There are some tearjerker stories i.e. baby Jolene who left an entire nation mourning. But there are also some intriguing write-ups i.e. Prima Deli, the MOH clamp down on places and people offering slimming programs and more recently the health ads issue.

Excuse my ignorance, but much as I would like to, I can't bring myself to read money and the sports pages and I only refer to the classifieds when I need some repair work at home. Recruit is good, but I don't have the time or inclination to sieve through and pick out stuff for myself - not yet. After I'm done with ST and Home, I'll go over Life!, the supplements like Mind Your Body, Digital Life and Urban and call it a day.

Time spent - 40 minutes

2008-05-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Simple Living
"Life is not complicated...we make it so."
In his classic - The Story of My Experiments with Truth - Mahatma Gandhi writes about the delights of simple living which combines simple food, daily exercise, minimal expenses etc. His main point - resist temptation and avoid excesses.
'Bapu' as he is fondly called in India, had gone to England in his youth to get an education. Expensive living costs made him scrounge and he came up with various ways of cutting costs and avoiding unnecessary expenditure.
In the process he realised that blissful existence stems from simplicity - think simple, act simple, live simply. Simple as this may sound, I found the thought most profound.
I find that I'm always inundated with options, choices, temptations. It's so hard to resist material cravings for new foods, new bags, new shoes, new clothes, new jewellery - even if you already have a lot.
I spend my money and find that the item I spent it on isn't that useful after all. So, I've devised a few simple rules that I keep in mind every time I'm about to give in to my desires:

- How nutritious is the food? Am I just spending money to grow fat - I find that this thought has kept me off chocolates, pastries and cakes for the longest time.

- How useful is the item? Will I really use it till I feel that every penny was well worth it? Shoes, bags and clothes addiction is a female disease and we are never satisfied with what we already have. I do give in..sometimes. But I ensure that I wear the stuff as many times I can. Just wearing them once or twice is a sheer waste. period. So if something only suits one or at best two outfits, it's out of question.

- Focus. This last one seems strange. But I find that most people who absolutely fail to give into their temptations (aside from those who cannot afford it) have no dominant goal or purpose in life. It's mediocre at best - goals like buying the latest it-bag are NOT COUNTED. The best goals are intangible in essence - doing well in your career, getting a new job, getting yourself in shape, making a relationship work - those are more like it.

2008-04-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

Slimming ads and fads
Recently there have been several curbs on people administering beauty treatments in Singapore, seems like the MOH has finally woken up from deep slumber.
But besides placing these curbs, it's also important to monitor the messages that these burgeoning slimming and 'beauty' centres send out to the average joe and plain jane. They seem to convey that only lean and pretty people can make it in life.
This idea is reinforced regularly, in so many ways that it's hard to escape it. Especially if you suffer from low self-esteem and don't have the quintessential 'chio-ness' and fab figure.
Flip the newspaper and there is a host of slimming ads featuring svelte women (often in skimpy clothes), open the TV and there is a deluge of - dandies who can do no wrong in the beauty department, make-over programmes and movies. Some of the most popular TV programmes and movies around the world are all about 'ugly duckling to swan' transformations that leave you gaping as the 'transformed' gets everything he or she wants from their life.
Shopping is a national pastime in Singapore but there are many shops that cater only to the small-sized among us. I've come across too many shops that don't carry sizes beyond L which seems more like a M at the most - even my fairly thin friends find it hard to get into some of those clothes. I've lost count of how many times I've seen big sized women step out with a sigh - nothing fit...
The most shocking bit is how some of these slimming and beauty centres force you to take their stuff after complaining about the state of your body/face/hair/nearly anything and everything possible..ARM SCALLOPS! PLEASE, HOW SHALLOW CAN YOU GET?
Exercise and shedding the flab is good for your health, as is moderate diet control - not binging excessively. But it's bad if it becomes an obsession, no matter what people say. When something affects your self-confidence and makes you think negatively about yourself - it's bad. Ultimately, you're just as good as you feel inside and your superficial traits should never be a factor in that.
"If people slam you for your looks and avoid you because of that, they are plain ol' assholes, so forget about them losers, get it??" That's the most angsty yet empowering line I heard recently.

2008-04-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

Technology...sorry..but exclude me.
I'll confess...I'm fed-up of facebook. A lot of my acquaintances and people I know from years back are on it...but after less than a week on it..I'm growing terribly tired - I don't wanna add every Tom, Dick and Harry or Harriet on it.
My e-mail gets flooded every time someone does anything to my account, you can't unravel your results for various games and applications without forwarding to a zillion different people and well..it's just too damn tedious. Responses are slower as well.
Worst of all...it's like a drug addiction - a useless desperation. It's SO bloody hard to resist the temptation to check your profile, check your e-mail etc etc every time you are on the internet. I'm beginning to detest the feeling. How about some coffee - at a coffee-shop please? If I can't meet you physically..let's just make a date when I'm close by?
Bottomline: Social networking websites maybe good to 'kaypoh' and know what your long-lost friends are upto...but they can never replace e-mails, letters, phone conversations and actual meet-ups. period.
In a strange way - the more technology you embrace, the more simplistic you get. I'm wanting to run off on some spiritual journey..SOON..but then there is graduation and a few more people to add on facebook..haha. Sometimes life's like a vicious circle.

2008-04-23T03:08:00.001-07:00

HOW TO LET GO!
John Milton's words: "They also serve, who stand and wait"
Poet Milton was blind and felt incapable of doing anything that would make him worthy of heaven. But eventually realisation strikes him - he realises that every man comes with his destiny and accepting it graciously is the only key to genuine happiness.
This message has been ingrained in me for ages now...but I'm only human and incapable of completely letting go of the aspirations that I have of myself - sometimes swayed by a bout of eye-opening inspiration and sometimes (to be honest) by the fringe benefits (money alone, let me add, is NEVER enough motivation).
Of course, things are not always the way I want them to be..and many-a-times I'm left thoroughly disappointed..with the inadequacies and my own self. But time has always healed the wounds and life, I've realised through sheer experience, is never stagnant and God is never merciless.
His ways are strange, unfathomable, but if for once we keep still and look at the bigger picture with selfless indifference - much like a detached observer - life will become infinitely simpler and happier because we would probably observe that all that has happened, it may not have seemed right at the time, is actually for our best.
Letting go of our small aspirations would then, hopefully, become easier. I'm seeking that bout of inspiration that gives me the courage to let go. Hopefully it comes soon.

2008-04-22T03:12:00.000-07:00

Love IS Blind...and scheming too (if I may add)
What prompted this entry is one look at the press photos from the Manap Sarlip murder case that has been doing the rounds here in equatorial Singapore.
For those in the know - you can catch a wink for a while - but for the others - this hell of a scary-looking, 20-something woman got a teen-aged boy to become her lover, brain-washed him and got him to murder her husband.
She manipulated the chap and used his surging hormones to her benefit. Before I saw her photograph..I was wondering what got the guy to fall SO madly in love - a deprived childhood maybe - or was it the woman...
Excuse me guys...but I've had some live experiences that prove the power of a drop-dead gorgeous woman on many a right-minded men..so my first thoughts were that the woman may be a hell of a looker.
I was totally dumb-founded when I saw her pictures (because beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder, sometimes more in those of the beer-holder, excuse me if you think otherwise). I found her to be irresistible - in a way that you can't resist packing all that's important to you and scramming before even an ant catches a glimpse of the two of you together.
Love, to me, was certainly blind in this case...if it was even there in the first place. But more than blind, it was treacherous, mean, unsympathetic and most of all scheming.
If you believe in unconditional love, prepare for disappointment....k that was morose..but someone told me that hope makes even a gray day beautiful. amen.
PS: I finally got a comment on the blog..but hey..the person forgot to (or purposely didn't) put any name and had a link to a blog on notebook computers that was in a foreign language..how's that for amusement?! But hey..tks anyways..whoever you are. Just please just leave a name - I don't trust nameless, good Samaritans.

2008-04-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

Food shortage
So yeah...FOOD has been grabbing headlines...for one, the new Sunday Times has so many more food pages alongside other news stories and Singapore also happens to be hosting the umpteenth World Gourmet Summit..pui..
What has been irking me is the way people are WASTING food..and it includes the freeloaders who attend huge buffets and load their plates with food that could feed an entire banquet.
Now, I know the whole African kids argument is just considered intellectual snobbery by most - after all most people find it hard to relate to things that far away. But let's not turn a blind eye to the stuff closer home.
We aren't exactly dying because of starvation here in Singapore..at least there are no records of such deaths...but food is becoming a concern - just look at the various newspaper reports over the past few weeks.
Now I know at the minuscule , individual level there is not much we can probably do. But the individualist in me feels that by wasting a little less and eating smaller portions we shall probably do a bit more service to our body and the reducing food supplies...food for thought (forgive me if you think otherwise)

2008-04-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

The farewell..
SO yes...it came...there were some tears, there was some laughter, some awkwardness...but at the heart of it...an utterly mixed series of events..which comprised some flattering and some not so flattering photos, some really encouraging e-mails, some sappy over-the-top, my usual over-emotional moments.
Leaving that desk after 8 months of bumming on it was hard..and I was hard pressed to prevent myself from putting a 'reserved' tag and hot irons in there (just incase someone tries to usurp it). Makes me think just how 'used-to' we get to people, places and other ephemeral stuff and despite the numerous farewells, I still find it impossible to keep myself from getting attached to things that are fleeting in nature.
All the 'paiseh-ness' strikes home later...but at least in the bottom of my heart, I feel relieved that I did what I wanted to do and although it may seem a bit too EMO in retrospect, it makes me feel contented to think that I remained true to myself.
Had dinner with the girls...they made the last few months truly special..But my philosophy teaches me that what goes around comes around..so we part to meet and meet to part and goodbyes are never really goodbyes but more like see you again, if it was meant to be.
Amen.
Shall upload the photos into my newly acquired facebook account..no copyright issues so friends, you can rip to your heart's content!

2008-04-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Journalism...
Yeah...I know I am your typical once-in-a-blue-moon blogger with possibly the most boring blog in blogsphere...but heck..writing for a newspaper takes up too much time to regularly write on a blog as well.
The past few stories have given me a real taste of the age old - the pen is mightier than the sword - saying. When people from the public read your works and write in to you with first hand feedback-both positive and negative- you get the most surreal feeling in the world - people actually take out some of their precious time to actually read what you're writing and at some level it impacts them.
Makes me like this profession even more...
Graduation ceremony next month...I've nearly forgotten what poly life was..will be a positive reminder..also it will be my first 'real' - the graduation attire and everything - ceremony. Look forward to meeting some people after a long time no see =)
Evon, if you're reading this, how about a movie at the library afterwards ;))

2008-03-08T23:55:00.000-08:00

On perspective and people
So..it has been a while since I finished poly. I'll be honest in admitting that they were not the most memorable years of my life and there isn't much that I'll miss terribly..but poly years were certainly the most eventful.
But I think the most memorable thing about these past 3 years was my internship..the sort of perspective it has provided me is amazing..it has introduced me to my calling - something that I thought I had given up on during my second year at NP - Journalism.
The New Paper is the best thing that happened to me in Singapore - it made me meet some people I will always remember, it gave me my first byline, it made me receive my first journalism award, it taught me some hardcore journalism lessons and most of all it reminded me that wherever I am...writing will always remain my first love and people with depth and stories will always intrigue me...
Sometimes...we can get all that we truly want - we just need a bit of courage, some luck and the foresight on where to look.

2008-02-09T04:59:00.000-08:00

Emotions
Sometimes they cause havoc and throw you into a soul-stirring tizzy, sometimes they light up your face and bring a smile on your lips that goes right to the bottom of your heart. At times they exhilirate, at times they penetrate the deepest corners of your being, creating a powerful sense of intuition, direction and sight...almost oracle-like.
Emotions are funny things and emotional people are even more funny...wierd, to be impolite...you can expect them to laugh like hyenas or cry as if their hearts were thrown asunder and broken into a million pieces..like shards of glass....
But I guess feeling both - deep happiness or deep pain - keeps us humane. At any rate it's better than feeling nothing..or worse - feeling indifference.
Ignorance, you see, is bliss sometimes but not ALL the time and for everything.

2008-01-20T04:07:00.000-08:00

Children....
I was just ruminating after looking at some albums from my schooling days in India..sad as it may sound, I don't have too many fond memories to speak of, after so many years of schooling. I was never really big on the social circle, so I don't have too many friends from those days as well.

Maybe part of it was my fault...but I find upon ruminating, that most of it was the fault of insensitivity in people, who only want to be around super-successful, over-achievers. No one really cares much for the underdog. As adults we learn to swallow the bitter pill of reality with the attitude of the cynic. But the worst affected are little children.

Now I've always had a thing for children...most children that is. I just don't like those kids who grow up too fast and lose their innocence very young, even 3-4 year olds. Shall not pay too much importance to these ill-fated examples, whose domineering, over-ambitious parents make them way too practical and gain-conscious far too early in life.

Lets talk about kids who suffer from poverty, kids who are stamped as mentally challenged and hence considered doomed for life, kids stained by the acts of cheap perverts, shy children who suffocate under the weight of their pushy parents and their overwhelming expectations, kids who just want to be kids but are moulded into becoming something they were never meant to be as kids.

It's a modern day reality. Most children are packed off to play school when they should remain within the security of the home. Perhaps folks these days can't wait for their little ones to grow up and when they do, you have those sentimental yet senile sounding 'he grew up so fast'...like please, excuse any trace of rudeness, but the attitude of parents is quintessential in shaping a child. Yes, luck plays a part in where we reach as adults, but the background of a man reflects on his or her person for the rest of his or her life and traces of a ruined childhood are indelible scars that remain with a person throughout life and in extreme cases rub off on future generations as well.

I am not a parent and will not be becoming one anytime soon, but as someone who has worked closely with kids, I can say that there is no perfect formula. But a dash of faith and tons of love, care, time and patience are the must-haves to avoid the little souls from getting crushed under the pressures of life upon this planet, that is increasingly have little breathing space for tiny souls who simply want to play with their toys, watch cartoons, eat good food and sleep...peacefully.

2008-01-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

A moment to remember
So, I've just finished watching "A Walk to Remember" and I think there are very few girls on this planet who won't melt after watching it.
Every girl dreams of being a Jamie and getting her Langdon and living together with him happily ever after.
"Love is like the wind" says Jamie, "You can't see but you can feel it"....I'll add my own to that and say that the gentle touch and the sensation of the wind remains even when it's gone.
The wind has no shape, no mortal form, but it touches the being...more than touching the skin...but not every wind produces the similar sensation and so it is with relationships.
Not every relationship reaches the bottom of your heart and makes you feel where you need to feel the most.
Not every man is the type who will make you cry when he leaves....and don't get me wrong. Every break-up is tearful, but seperating from the one makes your soul cry. But it also has a wierd cathartic effect, in that it makes you weep with a smile, because it teaches you to cherish and realise that beautiful memories are the essence of living.
The one is not a person with whom you share yourself, your home, your bank-account with, rather it's a person who echoes your soul. A twin soul is never a person who shares your soul, but he or she is rather a reflection of your own soul.
So, not everyone will have access to the keys of your heart...but the one can see it without the keys and the bondages.
It is the one you can trust with the piles of old diaries in which you scribbled your deepest thoughts and amatuer poetry, and it doesn't matter if any embarrassing details lie in there.
Least of what matters when it comes to congruent souls is the face.
Yes, it maybe the initial attraction...but only a fool will not look beyond it. God, was very clever when he paired twin souls - so most people who keep failing in their relationships probably don't have the insight to go beyond the trappings of the physical.

2008-01-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

A year gone by...yet another
So, like everyone else I'm falling into the rat race and commenting on 2007...which died two days back (died....maybe I haven't learnt my lessons in euphemism).

It was like all other years, with somethings lost and others found..2007...the year of the pig has given way to 2008, the year of the rat...As you can very well make out, I'm into Chinese astrology (any astrology actually) and the prediction for tiger babies (I'm a fire tiger) aren't very blessed this year.

Changes are in store, as I complete my diploma and move on with further education and probably a job...I frankly don't know what the future holds for me and I'm just gonna take a break from all the gancheong-ness of further education, growing up, plans etc. period. At the risk of sounding repetitive, "I don't make plans beyond tommorrow".

There was a time in my life when I loved making New Year resolutions and felt that I could plan my life and my relationships with people. But the past two decades of life, as I now know it, have shown me the futility in it all. It has educated me through experience (the best teacher ever) that one should trust god, trust oneself and keep ones options open.

Gerry Spence once said: "I rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief"...how much truth have I found in this simple line. I know my potential, and I know what I'm capable of, I push myself and keep it open....but tommorrow is beyond the scope of my sphere of influence.

So I'm the least bit aware of what 2008 holds for me. I know that someone up there has been most kind to me in many ways and I've much to thank him/her for. I just hope it's another year of wonderful surprises, of meeting wonderful people, forging meaningful friendships and learning a bit more about myself and what I'm meant to become.

As always: Have a great year ahead, and if it's a bummer..never mind, every dog has its day!

2007-12-24T02:05:00.000-08:00

Last semester: attachments et al
I just realised that my internship will end in a few more weeks from now.... and I can't help but feel a twinge of sorrow everytime I think about not coming into the newsroom again.
Buddha said that attachment is a cause for sorrows...but I inevitably fall into the trap. So leaving a holiday destination, leaving an old home, leaving school....every farewell, any parting...everything of the nature fills me with nostalgia about the days of yore.
God has his own ways and the journey of life is an ever-changing meander. Every turn brings in new people and new learning into your life and every new experience builds upon the nascent soul of man. So we grow from infant to child to tween to teen to young adult to old adult to senior citizens.
Just hope that I have the courage to live upto the impending changes. I think the US dollar is not one of the world's strongest currencies for nothing. I believe this line on the green back is the route to success and fulfillment in life for anyone: "In God We Trust".

2007-12-23T05:09:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness
Today I went for my first ever Christmas service (and no, I don't plan to convert, just went for the experience). It was a fairly good experience, there was the musical and philosophical musings by the pastor.
What I brought back home though was a certain thought by the pastor - forgiving yourself, not being too hard on yourself and not stressing till death over small mistakes. How often is it that you think, "I wish it would not have been this way", "I wish I could have done better", "I've been such a fool"...dah dah dah.
But as even Dumbledore says in Harry Potter, all learning (true learning) comes from accepting your mistakes. Only then will you have the courage to understand them and therein find solutions for yourself and your life.
Not that I didn't know about this from the start, but rather the pastor's words reinstated what I believe. So yes, my NY2008 resolution starts with: Not thinking too much about things and giving myself - a break! (As always)
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to all!

2007-12-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

Megha's guide to contentment:

1. Avoid over-ambitiousness.
2. Concentrate on the task at hand - big or small - and do a fair job of it.
3. Be your own competitor and taskmaster.
4. Remain honest and innocent to yourself.
5. Never let the innumerable 'others', their behaviour and achievements, affect you.
6. Avoid meddling in the personal lives and conduct of others.
7. Trust God.
8. Keep your friends close.
9. Keep your family closer.
10. Remember, Work and Luck are two different words and they mingle only with God's will.

2007-11-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

Facing reality
Sometimes reality may make you cry. Shed some tears from anger and some from remorse. But the thing is to reflect, hold your own and move on. No matter where you are, who you are, what you do - at a supreme level each one of us is a human being - with some feelings, emotions and human rights. People should not forget that. period.
So whether you are the torturer or the tortured - injustice on the part of any will have consequences on both and the fire that burns one will warm the other.
As Linda Goodman says, any scientist can count the seeds in an apple, but there is a greater power - he who can count the apples in a seed.

2007-11-13T04:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just wish that things were a bit more clearer and I knew exactly what I am feeling and where I'm going.

2007-11-10T01:06:00.000-08:00

Freedom of Speech
Years back (or so it seems), during my secondary school days I was first introduced to the concept of freedom of speech - the right to free expression. However like every other right it wasn't and isn't absolute - especially when it comes to sensitive issues like race and religion which can touch some powerful human sentiments the wrong way.

Then I took up mass comm and was introduced to the international association for journalists - Reporters without Borders. Even the very name is intriguing because the word border is hard to pin down when it comes to reporting. In fact breaking news trickles in every second at office (I'm currently attached to a newsroom..) from every part of the world. Besides, Globalisation and the spread of the internet have made the borders in this world indescribably porous.

However, I understand the problems various governments have against this. Not just Singapore but even our scarce-cater cousin of a country and neighbour Malaysia and of course China. They are trying to curb the spread of the seemingly uncontrollable internet (emphasis - NET) and I wonder what the long term impact of this control policy would be.

But what interests me in this whole saga is where do we draw the line on Freedom of Speech over the internet and who should set these limitations.

As a free-thinking individual I feel it should be a personal choice. But then I remind myself that in a world where assets like education, intellect, intelligence and wealth are poorly distributed not every man would have access to the same knowledge base and the ability to see both sides of the coin. I don't claim to be any expert. Indeed, I should accept the guilt of giving into my emotions many times and thinking emotionally before thinking practically. However, eventually I do come down to seeing both sides of the coin and making a balanced decision. But (without being immodest) not many people do the same. So we have racist bloggers being arrested and whistle blowers facing mortal peril.

I have heard that the right to swing your arm ends where the other man's fist begins. But that depends on the distance between the two individuals and the size of the fist. For me arresting a reporter who performed his duty and reported on the Tianenmen Square pro-democracy protest is like the teacher who forced tape on to her student's mouth when he tried telling her that the area of a triangle is not length*breadth but that it's half* base*hieght. I'll leave all further interpretation to the readers.

There are many who may support authority to the extent that they are willing to give up their individual rights in complying with it and using it the way Jack used the bean stalk. But there are some things that need expression and if you try curbing the basic human instinct it will only get fiercer in ways you never expect. Like the tape teacher who got a kick in the gut from the same student when he graduated several years later.

Respect doesn't just come, it needs to be earned.

(I'm sure I'll come back and make edits..courtesy - my freedom to think all that I want but not utter it all!)

2007-10-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

Love comes in all shapes, sizes and forms
This is not a romantic post...I guarantee. Much rather it is about something deeper that I felt as I was reading the newspaper (of all things) recently.
Yes, love is blind and you can love anyone. It needn't be the very cliche boy-girl relationship. It can be love for your parents, siblings, family, friends, peers...anybody who tugs at your heart whether gently or violently.
There is also self love, about which I've spoken previously.
But then there is spiritual love. Love for the maker, the almighty. Call it love, devotion, prayer..anything at all. I remember a story I read many years back, titled "Where Love is, God is".
True. Very.
In all my experience, trusting god with the tiniest of your concerns is so relieving. Everyday after work, I write a short diary and in that I vent all my concerns and experiences from the day and ask that someone up there to take care of them and miraculously I find my problems sorted in some wierd, unfathomable way. Perhaps, it's just me. But the point to be noted is that my concerns get answered.
There is another love which we really need to develop in this day and age - love for the planet. The earth that feeds us.
Most people, in their daily grind, forget the value of the earth. I guess that living in Singapore, away from the immediate impact of global warming we can afford to cut ourselves some slack and be ignorant. However, if we continue doing this, our planet would perish before our very eyes and then no one and nothing can save us. In regard to this, I recollect a fantastic thought - "The earth has enough for man's need but not enough for his greed" and since every man is being greedy there isn't enough left for his need.
The last kind of love is the most dangerous and it's one that puts all the others at risk in some way or the other. Tragic as it is, this love is also the most commonly found - love for power, for position and for monetary comforts.
It's a love that causes people to suffer limitless ambition that swallows their soul. It makes them lie, cheat, become sycophants and in extreme cases commit heinous crimes.
At this point, I'd like to terminate my weekend musings with this simple thought by Martin Luther King: "When the power of love overtakes the love for power this world would become a better place."
Amen to the great Mr King and adios to the readers, if any!

2007-10-20T05:02:00.000-07:00

Desperate measures
Sometimes it's best to avoid all together...totally. Because something that u would normally not do or better said - something that would embarass you...is best not done at all. So yes, I did something I thoroughly regret..out of sheer NEED...and well...I still squirm thinking that I did it.
Thank goodness....nothing worked out and I was spared further embarrassment. =)

2007-10-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

Learning never comes easy
If you ask me how my internship's coming along, I'd say it's going fine...mostly. But learning doesn't really come easy and I can say that there is SO much that I'm not that good at and need to learn...
But I guess having an eternal student's mindset - one in which every mistake provides a learning experience is the way to go. Thats to all my fellows out their who may be facing similar situations...perhaps...We're all students afterall...still learning.

2007-10-07T00:42:00.000-07:00

In two minds
I'm sure, there are many people out there who can sympathise with such a situation...When your heart and mind are in a struggle and you're unsure of the direction to take....
"Should I do it or not?"
For me it's a constant affair...from the smallest to the biggest things.
I realise that a lot of it comes from the fear of making the wrong choice and spoiling things for yourself.
But if choices were so easy, life would most definitely have been a bed of roses..or so I think.
Sometimes I just wanna be a detached observer.
Love, hate, opinions, likenesses, problems....basically everything that causes your heart to skip a beat or your mind to work overtime...I just wish I could observe these things in a non-intrusive way...
Perhaps, I could have been an easier-going person.
But hello hello...I'm not. Everything that happens to me makes me think...makes me wonder...makes me judge and form opinions. I simply don't understand WHY I can't give myself and all this choice-making a break.
Sometimes..you just gotta do what you gotta do without thinking or worrying too much and thats that.
Guess...I'll get over the whole choices, thinking, anxiousness when I have to.
Till then...in god I trust. amen.

2007-09-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

Life as an intern or should we call it the intern-al life
The whole world, or so it seems, is obsessed about Jose Mourinho being sacked...but the way I see it...if you get on your boss's nerves you are playing with fire and there is always the chance of getting burnt...Mourinho had an excellent record..but they don't say for nothing that there is always the higher power. Ofcourse, I'm not talking about sucking up..because..in my eyes the easiest way to annoy is to suck up...but a bit of healthy PR can't be too damaging? yeah? what sayest thou??

Anyways..getting to this life update...to prevent people from thinking that: a. I'm dead, b. I've gone undercover or c. I've been abducted.... Lets pick the inexistant option d. I'm interning...that part of life where you experiment with being the Little Nemo...or even little-r than that fish...(excuse the grammar) in the sea. Ofcourse...the underwater is beautiful...because you get to see all those amazing underwater creatures, but it's also scary at the depths...and with no mama fish to stand by you..you are on your own and even if you don't know swimming...you have to learn...or as I understand..you will learn how to swim..eventually...

Doing away with the ambiguous analogy...lets just say being a journalist-in-training in a big establishment is a good learning experience with its own flavour. There are those small things that make you happy, the small feelings that upset you...the small things that lift you and the small doubts that dishearten you...it's a mish mash of emotions especially when you're just starting off and fresher than any freshmint! Although I've gotten my first byline...there is scope for tremendous improvement...A LOT...I feel so raw about my sense of newsworthiness, my ability to persuade, my writing and note-taking skills. But I guess everyone learns with time...and hopefully I'll do that...for now though gotta keep patience and pick up...slowly...

As I have on my desk at work...the Gerry Spence thought:
"I rather have a mind opened by wonder rather than one closed by belief"

2007-09-13T06:09:00.000-07:00

About being happy...

To those who still drop by to read my LONG posts on this boring blog with an almost negligible amount of pictures...thanks...=)
If you've chanced upon it...through some links or whatever, well...I hope this post keeps you engaged...

I'm a worrier..at times I suffer from what can be called a SUPER PANIC mode...but I realise that everybody has their moments...We go through life with a lot of baggage, both conscious and unconscious - academic pressure, peer pressure, career pressure, relationship pressure...it's an almost always there situation....Sometimes it feels really bad thinking about people who don't give you what you desire, unrequited relationships, lack of reciprocation, bad grades, a stagnant career, a failing career or even a failing relationship...thinking about your own flaws...which I assure you every single individual has...just that it's a bit different for everybody.

I for one can tell you that I often have weight issues....don't go thinking that I'm a super-fat/anorexic, suicidal person..but by medical and Singapore standards..I'm a bit bigger than the people here...so a shopping trip is often-times replete with "heck-I-can't-get-into-it" loserish moments...and utter frustration when you realise how hard it is to get rid of baby fat that refuses to go easy...and a mom who often times nags you for it...(ughh I hate nagging eventhough I realise it's not always bad)...But I'm healthy and overall I'm a happy person...just coz I'm a bit big...and I can't fit into certain dresses and also that I'm not fashion conscious enough to dress uber well and put on a nice lil' smattering of make-up doesn't make me less equal than some others...

I can do all that...if I really want...and it'll be for my good...but I realise that sometimes we load ourselves too much with what is superficial and materialistic. Sometimes we put too much into that new, smart outfit, flashy shoes, amazing accessories and great make-up...sometimes we give too much importance to the others...who judge us every moment...and not always in a necessarily positive manner and sometimes all we end up with is an utter frustration with ourselves and a broken heart...

So I realise that how much ever I imagine myself as someone not-so-flabby, perhaps with a dashier wardrobe and some appealing make-up..maybe with some charming arm candy..it can never make me happier than if I feel happy as it is...from within of me...and all the rest become subordinate reasons to my happiness and that is something that makes me feel like an infinitely happy person...with limitless possibilities in life...and trust me, it'll make you feel the same way if you just try investing more in self growth rather than adding to that wardrobe which frankly..never seems enough or that physical appearance..which never seems flawless....and I assure you...trying to remain happy from within..is something that maybe a bit hard..sometimes..but it's absolutely F.O.C, not damaging your wallet one bit and it makes you feel 1000 times better!

2007-09-09T02:38:00.000-07:00

For the love of reading
I love reading..it gives me the sense of being a well-read intellectual and thats just great! But..if truth be told...I love reading because it is satisfying to my soul..I feel enriched and at peace with myself when I'm reading..but for that you need to open your heart and mind and digest the lovely literary quality in books..reading..as is true for any art form..becomes nothing but a mundane chore if it's done for some ulterior motive..instead of simply for its own sake.
I've written about this before...but now..I won't go on about the many benefits of reading. Instead I'll do what I usually look forward to all the time...recommendations on good books! Here is my personal list. But feel free to give me yours..=)
Books for the Soul
These aren't self-help books. They are heartwarming and I can never have enough when it comes to reading them.
1. SMALL MIRACLES by Yitta Halberstam & Judith Leventhal
2. CHICKEN SOUP SERIES (For me, chicken soup has been my Enid Blyton, considering that for all my love of it, I actually began reading quite late)
3. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
4. Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh
5. Joy Peace Pills by JP Vaswani
The Best Dramas & Absolute must-read classics - before & after
1. Pride and Prejudice (the unedited version) by Jane Austen - Mrs Bennet is a fantastic comic
2. Wuthering Hieghts by Charlotte Bronte
3. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
4. Mill on the Floss by George Eliot
5. Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
6. Hard Times by Charles Dickens
7. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
8. Sons and Lovers by DH Lawrence
9. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
10. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
11. Brick Lane by Monica Ali
*Actually this list quite endless so I'll just terminate it here
Chick-lit entertainment
Just go and sieve through the shelves...there are plenty of such novels to entertain a loaded mind and scheduled life...something by Sophie Kinsella or Shobhaa De perhaps?
Collected Stories
1. Collected stories of Paul Theroux
2. Collected stories of Oscar Wilde
3. Collected stories of R.K. Narayan
4. Collected stories of Rudyard Kipling
5. Collected stories of Anton Chekhov
Popular Fiction
HARRY POTTER...does it even need a recommendation?? It's like recommending Cindrella and Little Red Riding Hood to the kids..wonder why I'm still recommending it..perhaps to those who live under a stone and happen to just bump into my internet space...
Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
Biographies
Personally, I found the biographies of Roald Dahl (books like Going Solo) Mahatma Gandhi, Winston Churchill and Adolf Hitler the most fascinating...the auto-biographies...are the best ofcourse ;)
Lastly...because there are so many books and so little space...or want to keep penning them..I'll end here..with my..
..Favourite Authors
1. Roald Dahl - I dunno what I find more enticing about him, his writing, the illustrations in his books courtesy of Quentin Blake or merely the fact that I have a sort of crush on the man himself...
2. J.K. Rowling - Cliche...but I adore her style
3. Jane Austen - If someone etches characters in a most memorable fashion, it's Jane Austen, ofcourse Charlotte Bronte and George Eliot have their own goods to deliver as well..in this genre 4. R.K. Narayan - Call it the brotherhood...but I quite like Narayan. Talking of Indian Authors...Salman Rushdie, Arundhati Roy and Chetan Bhagat have their own..and not forgetting Kiran Desai..but I haven't really read her booker prize winning 'The Inheritance of Loss'.
5. O'Henry
*Actually lets stop this entry for now...I'll leave it to you...the few genuine readers of my internet space to go over and possibly leave some suggestions for me!
thanks...and keep reading..because books are companions for life!

2007-09-05T06:13:00.000-07:00

On what's sexy to me!

Now...I know some of the people acquainted with me would be a tad surprised at such as title..but I couldn't think of anything better...and so..surprise is the way to go...
It all started when I *yet again* made an unwarranted comment...we were all lounging at a friend's place in Bukit Timah and as always her boyfriend was in attendance. Now, I don't have anything against the guy, but I just find him a bit...no quite..annoying..and I guarantee you - it's not my fault..atleast not for this one...

The guy is perpetually blowing his trumpet..and worst of all...a trumpet that is empty (he is basically short on IQ) He is absolutely STUCK to my friend, and there is virtually no gathering we've had since they started going out, that he has been MIA. While I understand the whole, male ego, caring boyfriend stuff, this is plain BS. So, I couldn't help myself when I purposely let out that I HATE hen-pecked people...in any relationship...and next come the one's who flaunt a virtually non-existant brain. I know...thats really mean..but I guess...it's a truth...and no one can really deny it...Your partner may be absolutely sexy in every way, but the dearth of a sincere personality and a certain intellect is SO NOT!

This friend underdstands me and so it wasn't really a big deal when I told her guy down..she admits that he's a bit dim..but well, he not a bad sort..so..he's passable..But she thinks that my choice in sexy people is totally insane...For one..I find Discovery anchors Megan McCormick and Toby Amies quite the thing...I also find THE ARENA judge Ashraf Safdar quite appealing...but my friend thinks that they are all yawn inducing...for her George Clooney is the ultimate idol..hahaha..Well...I guess we all have our choices..and what's sexy to me needn't be the same for my friend..

But the ultimate thing that makes people tick is being themselves with raw abandon..I guess before other people notice you..you need to notice yourself and get comfy in your own skin..that's really being sexy in the true sense of the word...When it comes to style, fashion and looks..nothing is objective and even a stick in the mud can seem like art to the discerning eye!

2007-09-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

MOVING....
No...I'm not changing my space on the internet...just moving in the abstract...You know...when your mindset shifts and you actually FEEL the move...every minute of it.
My life's been such that I've sort of gotten used to people going on..moving on...leaving. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it tears me up, sometimes it's good riddance, sometimes its just another happening...but whatever it is...it is a change.
Upon going to school today and meeting Mrs Sng, I realised how so many of us are going away...from the whole SCHOOL life..from the whole classroom, classmate environment..we're moving..
Then I realised Caleb and Ferina are leaving for oiap...soon..tommorrow..
I caught up with Shaheen and there seemed this chasm...as though we hadn't caught up is eons...and there were so many things to talk about...and I remembered that Shah is going to India soon too...
Then it was the turn of the teachers...more teachers than I knew about are moving on...from fms..either permanently or temporarily.
Soon it'll be my turn to move...transit...I don't wanna expect..coz as my previous post says...desire is the root to all suffering..but I can't help my apprehension..but I guess it'll all settle down...settle down while moving..coz life is after all..but a journey...and an acquaintance..once euphemistically added.."and no one's going to get out of it alive anyways..so why bother ourselves so much about the impending changes??!!"

2007-09-01T07:44:00.000-07:00

Nirvana
Buddha said:
"Desire is the root of all suffering"

All through our lives we desire something...there seems no end to our whims, no stopper to our fancies..no horizon to our desires...the realisation never really seeps in and either we feel singed when our aspirations break into a thousand pieces or feel unnaturally happy, when they come true through the unfathomable route called destiny...(yeah well...I can see the "face-your-destiny" jokes) Yet...the journey seems to continue and the aim just gets higher....and each time we fail it's more painful than the last....like this woman who lost her 3rd child in a row, like the student who missed honours by a point, like the girl whose heart is always torn by failing relationships, like the rich miser always wanting more money, like the incomplete man who doesn't seem to understand, what will complete him....

It's a divine truth and most bitter...as truth generally is...and it's much harder to practise than preach. So I shall not...because I guess as ordinary human beings we could possibly not even live without having a dream and a bag full of desires for ourselves. But 20 years have taught me that whenever I desire something, it usually doesn't come true or if it does it does not take the shape I would normally want it to take...not that I'm not happy..but if I go by the desire scale...I am perhaps not as happy as I could be...

But in the process of seeking what I really want out of my life..I realised one thing...the best way to overcome desire is to look at what you already have..the blue bird in your own backyard..rather than always looking outside for your source of happiness...always counting on things and people for happiness. Because such happiness is ephemeral..even if it comes to you..People are fickle..usually...even if they aren't..there are many who just die out (not literally ofcourse) but who flicker out like a fire fly..there is no sustainance there..and probably thats how it was meant to be..because if something or someone was REALLY TRULY worth pursuing..your heart would make you pursue...but no..usually such instances are rare..and those that aren't rare...well..lets just make the exit shall we??

Life is precious...but precious as it is..even a diamond can cut where it hurts the most..dreaming makes life lovable..but sometimes dreams hurt...people leave and things go awry...they desert you...bequeathing only tears and a sense of loss (which is pathetic)..I guess the only way out is to love what you have rather than seeking what your could have. Even an economist would tell you to treasure reliable investments.

Thats to my 2 cents worth...it helped me relieve some unsettling thoughts...and even though I can't yet figure what exactly I want from my life..I can say that for the most I know what will make the journey to that discovery a bit more happier..

PS: Fumbs and WN..I told you that I would blog about our dinner-time adventure around Bukit Timah..but I couldn't really blog about that...guess I got too many things to write and what's private to my life, should I guess, remain that way :) Had loads of fun too!

2007-08-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

School bullies

School's over..almost..and well..this might sound fickle..but life has taught me not to keep looking back and thinking about stuff that's practically OVER. MOVE ON....Life is all about transitions afterall...

For those who care...I'm fine..a tad apprehensive about my internship because there are many things I didn't learn coz I didn't take print journ last sem...like shorthand for instance. But well..we need to start somewhere. Other than that life is..as usual...occupied and I feel contented for some reason...beyond my grasp. HOBBIES...thats the word...plus something else that has led to a renewed drive in me.

But the purpose of this entry is to write about something of a more grave nature - school bullies. For time immemorial, I've wanted to be a child psychologist and the the fact that counsellers have become so important in today's harsh academic world just spurs me on. However, ever since my OWN aptitude counseller pointed out that I'm too soft for it...the option has appeared to be but a distant dream. Still, my lack doesn't deter the fact that school kids today are in serious NEED.

Upon reading the "happy slapping" write up in our school's publication - Tribune, and watching the movie - "Odd Girl Out"...I realise just how BAD the situation is...I've witnessed it myself and know just how bad it can get. For one, bullying needn't always be physical...it can be verbal and I'm shocked that many places don't consider verbal abuse worth punishment. The bullies can get away easily...if all they resort to is non-physical abuse - talking ill about a person through websites, blogs, the silent treatment, making fun, joking and all sorts of mentally torturous routines - these I contend are just as bad or worse than physical abuse & school's should have policies in place to tackle such people, especially when it's done to young school kids who are much more venerable to the negative outcomes.

My mother told me about someone who committed suicide because of all the pressure created by such bullies...and I understand the situation fully. Not everyone has the same mental capacity, tolerance levels and character strength. Even if the bully is nothing but a ill-meaning person, the victim still feels depressed by their actions. Under such circumstances what people need is a back-up force to instill the dying drive in the victim and usually a counseller's words often work...Yet school's continue to go without counsellers and even if they HAVE a counseller, nobody really KNOWS about him/her. Often people are ignorant or have the wrong belief that going to the counseller equates to being mental - which is just prepostrous.

School bullies, as I learnt through real life testimony and psychology, are just suffering from some problem themselves which manifests itself in troubling others. No healthy, happy, safe and secure person would ever bother troubling another so much. That's my take...
If you're a victim...PLEASE..consult your school counseller immediately and if that's not an available option speak to a trusting friend or family member..Don't keep quiet and burn within, don't let the bully take charge. period.

2007-08-20T05:45:00.000-07:00

Walking back
While walking home from the bus stop, after an enjoyable home ride with Ade - Adeline Lim - I was thinking, after the masina paper, I may never really be the same again...if I contemplate - it's another 2 hours of school that I have left with me...and gosh...(I know this is my 3rd post dedicated to the matter) but I've given percious time from my life to this institute and course and in return it has given me so much...and all that is going to change forever after those 2 hours and by golly, am I gonna miss some people and experiences....will just write it out...in case I forget any names or faces...
Shaheen - for being there for me when no one was....for all your weaknesses, you're still an amazing Girl...
Tharu - for being a friend...dunno why we had to seperate cohorts =(
Shah - well I'm adding him in, because after a recent emceeing session with Tharu & Shah, I find that Shah is an awful..*uhmm* awesome comedian!
Caleb & Hafiz - I can never quite seperate the 2...coz they always come together in my mind..as a 'couple' of wisecracks and whole lot of fun to be with!
EVA - heya Ed! I loved our luncheons this sem and last! A beautiful person - inside out!
Evon - because you're a real nice person and I'll always keep ur Kelly Clarkson album as reminder!
Eunice - for being a loyal friend
My Convex & PR classes (almost everybody...but not everyone)
My IMC group - good working on "sign board man"!
My medlaw & masina classes..as well...
My Year 2 class - everyone almost - again...very long to name...also...people from TV prod and radio..who weren't in my class but were still good people to be around with!
Ofcourse all the teachers...including Ziggy!
Thats it folks...hahaha...whats gone is gone...and well...it can only get better...hopefully.
For those who have a thing against me..can't do much anyways...after all the key to failure is "trying to please everyone"..so there you have it..my last words on school life...perhaps.
Goodluck for your iap's and oiap's people! May good luck be with you =)
Oh..and I'd like to add that perhaps one of the most missed things would be our school library. I've grown so fond of it...its my second home..after classes at school.
I would like to say that even though this sem was a drag, in the end I realised that grades dun matter as much as the people and the wonderful experiences that will last a life-time, long after marks and outcomes become redundant.

2007-08-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

CLOSURE
I'm tired...very...tired heart, mind, body and soul...it has been a LONG semester in more ways than one...and not all endings are as pleasent..unfortunately. I really need closure...but I'm not getting any. I wanna finish up, kick off my shoes and just lie in all day long..thinking about nothing...Empty my head and heart of all the myriad of feelings I've had...just trust things to fall in line...but no...something has to keep bothering me...keep obstructing my mind. Worst of all - I can do practically NOTHING about it...whats gone is gone...wonder why its so hard for me to let go....when all I can do is Let go...let God...somethings are really beyond us and the more we think about them the worse they affect us...sometimes I wonder whether the purpose of my life is just to fight my way through annoying, irritating, frustrating and depressing situations.

2007-08-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Its funny..
Something that would have made me feel miserable 2 years back...just makes me laugh now..well well...I've had my fair share of issues...but I was alerted on something that really takes the cake...hahahaha....I guess I'll never be forgiven for some mistakes..they are unforgettable and unforgivable..but heck...its okay...you can't deny people the right to speak..or bitch....everyone to his/her own. After all it's a free world.
Peace....(LOL)

2007-08-09T01:45:00.000-07:00

The end....is here
I dunno what I'm feeling...am I happy, sad, sadly happy or happily sad...emotions are such wierd things...it's hard to put them down in a few words. Nevertheless, another major end is on track - the end to an 'eventful' (to say the least) 3 years as a mass comm...student...I wouldn't venture out and call myself a mass commer..out & out...thats expecting too much of myself. But yes, I've had my share of problems and my share of pride. Both have had some impact..possibly one that has been life-changing in ways I feel incapable of describing within the entries of this journal. Perhaps someday, I'll get down to fulfilling my life's ambition of becoming an author and penning a book on it..maybe..but you see..memory is most unforgiving...and things are forgotten...but I'll try to remember everything...and I'm quite sure that I will..somehow I've an inner magnet that doesn't quite let the emotional baggage escape and free my shoulders...much as I try..but still somethings seep away..much like unwanted sand stuck in your fingers after a jolly session at the beach.
So here is goes....the feeling of it being over....and it's much like when I read the last page of harry potter..(I'm so fond of the series!)..but the thing that makes the moment better is that nobody died and everyone got off happy...to end off with a cliche:
"All's well that ends well"

2007-08-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

When the tears come falling down
*just a lil' note before starting..I'm not terminally ill or depressed. I've just gotten off the phone..and for nearly half an hour..I was listening to someone wailing over a personal problem..and I don't really respond well to tears...my only response: feeling bad and crying back*
WHY DO TEARS COME SO EASY....to me....maybe because I feel pain more easily..I get hurt more easily..I don't have too much of a thick skin...I've never really been through any material hardships...the only ones I've had were emotional - mourning over someone who'll never come back (I've finally reached redemption..and I realise that dying is a fate every man is destined to..just that it comes before..very early on for some and late to others..) and missing a dear friend sorely..eventhough we keep in contact through letters, emails and calls (Nihi...you're the one forever...) ...Other than that...fortunately or unfortunately I'm quite content in life...so it makes me feel great misery when others cry over things that come quite easy to me or don't seem to bother me much. When little kids cry over money for chocolates and toys that are beyond the affordability of their parents, when girlfriends cry over boyfriends who broke off..
Some people seem to find that I lack-a-life....
A few days back, at Timbre for the Speak Good English Movement (SGEM) launch for our IMC, I had the *uhmmm* pleasure of sitting next to Mr Soh, who was in quite a light mood that evening and made use of the lax environment to take several digs at me...from the leather outfit to the rock band to clubbing...and after quietly sipping at my "poetic punch" (it's a mocktail) I finally got down to voicing out the fact that I was very happy with where I was in life, nothing and no-one could ever buy me over for anything and I live in a swell place better than any club or pub and would happily spend all my spare time there - where I was comfortable, secure and happy. So there goes...nothing against Zigs ofcourse...he made the evening more entertaining than the bands did...but well thats my answer to anyone who has any questions on what I do with my life...moreover..spare time...As for the tears...its a part of being me I guess...and I don' t have any qualms. period.

2007-07-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

Mistakes and Bad Days
Now that school is nearly over and the iap placement has been secured..I should be getting a bit of a breather...but I find that its quite impossible...considering the first impending 'F' of my academic life - the NAPFA - and ofcourse the still-remaining IMC presentation and 2 exams...school doesn't quite let us off easily. More like going over the final task of the Triwizard tournament!
But well...just to get in a Potter moment...Harry survived...and so will we....hahaha...(on a side note - I thoroughly enjoyed Potter's last outing).
I think, I learnt a vital lesson from my last few submissions - never think too much about an assignment after it's handed up...even if you screwed up and made avoidable mistakes. As a student I'm still learning and mistakes are inevitable..learn from the bigger ones and forget about the tiny ones...period. At the end of the day...the learning you carry forward is as important, perhaps even more so, than the grade.
Thats for all the education I've had and that which I shall have...for now..adios.

2007-07-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Mass comm desensitisation
During MASSINA (one of my..... modules this semester) we keep talking about media desensitisation as a problem...I would take that one step further...by saying that being exposed to the media may be a problem...but doing it together with media studies is where the problem aggravates....
The Media...may desensitise your mind...but studying mass comm desensitises your being...after 3 years I can safely bet my money on the fact...after a while..all you can think of is finishing off the work..period..no more handling people and their attitudes..who bitches about you and who doesn't care a damn about you and what gossip is doing the rounds etc etc...oh and I'll add that I'm also not bothered about what I'm wearing and how presentable I'm looking...for all I care...as long as I'm there and the work is getting done..its all fine..you dun care a damn about looking good...atleast I've never really had that on my mind...(Jess adds that it may be a possible reason for the fact that I've been single for LONG time now..but heya Jess...ol' buddy..I dun care...and I've my reasons..matter over =)
So yes...maybe its made me a tougher person than I was 3 years back...the one pro I can see...but seriously...I've made up my mind to do LONG term volunteering after school ends and make up for the all the emo-ness and heart-to-heart I may've been missing...I've been missing my kids at the home....for too long already I feel...

2007-07-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

Being Tensile...
Sometimes when you can't tell who is your friend and who is the enemy, when you can't bring yourself to trust and your emotional quotient is dipping to an all time low..reeking of depression and stretched thin with a truckload of work...realise that everything is in transition and shall soon come to pass....
After all it's YOU who move in life...not the baggage...
Be Tensile....

2007-06-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Trust issues

Sometimes the moral of the story is : "If you wanna be happy, don't trust people"

2007-06-18T01:59:00.000-07:00

What goes around comes around....

I'm begining to fall in love with Justin Timberlake's songs...his latest Future..whatever album and this song is stuck like forvever glue in my mind and on my desktop...its hard to believe that I can keep replaying it umpteen no. of times without getting bored...the tune is AWESOME..
I totally love the lyrics...what goes around..really does come all the way back around...every dog (or bitch) has his/her day and history repeats itself...so if you find urself in the bloody dumps today..feel frustrated with urself and ur life in general...feel lousy about a certain module/assignment...it'll be over in a jiffy..and it'll come back in a much more positive light...
amen....

2007-06-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

In passing...
After days it seems that I'm free...clear-headed..and happy as a lark. Lack of sleep and working till ungodly hours at school or home are things that haven't integrated into my system despite 3 years of mass comm and I think they never will...period. But that is by no means an excuse for not doing my work...period...again...Pretty much a policy in my life...As for Panda eyes and workaholic tendencies...if the results or outputs, outgrowths and outcomes are good...I don't give two hoots about the way I look and whether people appreciate my appearance...those are EXTREMELY trivial concerns...after 21 years on this earth...what matters is the legacy not the legend.
So...thats about it for the worklife...Life - school work = relaxation = happiness.
Having said that though, I must say that school has its own perks...and off late I've generally got more good news than bad from school! Touchwood...besides..it's the last 7 weeks...less actually...(or so I think)...so I'll just live up...bearing up with everything...the good ofcourse...but even the bad and the outright ugly.
Now...for life in general...when I'm happy as a lark...good thoughts warm my being...and once again I start looking at the bigger picture, the larger universe and I find that in the past 21 years, with all the changes they have brought about - in me, in my surroundings and social relations...I've grown as a person...infinitely...and my mind, heart and soul have been subjected to perennial metamorphosis. Ofcourse, where this leads me to, and what pre-destined goal is laid out for me...is something I cannot pre-concieve. But I'm learning to enjoy the journey and like the people I pass as I reach out for that larger something.
It is at these moments that the silly test results, the due assignments, the small frustrations, the tensions, the crushes et al, fade into nothingness and clarity of purpose seeps in...I love it...the feeling of liberation...when ur environment vapourises and all you can think of is life at its best. When fiction becomes fact, great literature and films solidify and things as you have always wanted them to be...in that rose-tinted world - come to life. Just the abstract, undefinable thought and the accompanying feeling brings a wide-smile to my face.
So, I was chatting with Caleb...the 'botak' one...on how one shouldn't limit ones boundaries and laze away into darkness, giving up all hope...because our lives are made for some divine purpose...and when we find it...all the zest and meaning comes right back! Should have seeped into his mind...considering that there is not much blocking it anyways..haha...my PR group is the best...they crack me up like nobody's business..... alright..before it all hits randomness...I'm off...adios!

2007-05-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

I MCing....
Hahaha...to those of you who think I'm faking sickness...hmm...not quite...and to the folks who figured out the IMC and thought its lame...well...I'm OK with that...
Honestly...as school gets into the thick of it all, I figure that I'm getting LAME...Please...a few cheap thrills (no pun intended) are a welcome respite from the workload that's getting freaky and driving me towards stress related depression.
Ofourse...there are other blue issues as well....
Nevertheless..."Like a super trooper life is gonna find me..." and that ABBA song is my undoing...I'm an absolute NO NO when it comes to smoking and drinking, eventhough my 16 year old bro has had a go on Vodka...and believe it or not...I'm going to turn 21 pretty SOON...Infact...to those who care...I was born 21 years ago on the 6th day of the 6th month in the 86th year of the 1900's...So much for being born in the triple 6 devil's triangle.
Besides, the 21st isn't gonna be a BIG BASH for moi...considering that the very same week we have a client presentation for IMC - something that's screwing my otherwise peaceful 3rd year.
But Eunice is pushing for a party..says its too big a moment to let go with just a quiet family dinner in a fancy restuarant...hmm....well...at the moment project b'day is post-poned till after the 8th of June. peace.
Workaholic...not quite...but I understand where my priorities lie...and even when I have to do it despite not wanting to...I will do it...No regrets..Life is not always easy..tough luck=(
2 weeks, 2 months to go...before I'm free...I'll wait............(Even though I don't drink, the Guiness ads I find are highly inspirational)

2007-05-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

Invincible
I don't understand why I'm blogging at this time....reason being that I am A. VERY TIRED B. LOADED WITH SCHOOL WORK C. DESPERATE FOR SOME NEWS D. EXTREMELY ANNOYED BECAUSE OF UNWANTED GUESTS.
Right...my life at the moment is threatening my peace of mind. I have these aggressive instincts...whereby I picture myself repeatedly stabbing something (I know...I don't look it..but hey...I have my moments too u know)...Research...I'm a research person...its a part and parcel of my bookworm personality...but at the moment...the 'R' in research spells RAVING....At this very moment in life...all I want is to sleep off and not wakeup to an alarm...and thats just what I'm doing..day in day out....Its just week 4 of school...and I can confidently say that I can't wait to get OVER....& done with...
But still...they say...you can kill a man...but never his spirit...so yes...I'm keeping at it...trying to be invincible...significance rate= 0.8....right...it isn't working too well...and if you think I'm crapping go and revise Media research methods..otherwise you'll be weeping few weeks from now...

2007-04-28T03:26:00.000-07:00

The eternal Eve vs. Adam debate
Ok...so I'm suffering from what can be called an "over-active" mental-activity syndrome. There's so much anticipation about this semester...I mean its just the end of week 2 and all I want is to get to the "happening" portion fast enough and get it over and done with. Plus..I realise that all that sweat over MRM in year two may well just be worth it considering that for nearly all my modules I have to use SPSS.....no full forms for the software.....it can't get geekier than that.

Anyways..lets not dig the dirt in my not-so-happening life and instead focus on the 'better' topic of this entry...which marks the return of 'face-your-destiny' from near death.

Recently a friend had a terrible breakup...I mean she was seeing the guy for nearly 4 years and then suddenly he decided to call it quits. Tragic...how a day can lead to sudden change of heart. Now she ofcourse is distraught...and I being the still-single, level-headed, responsible girl-friend am the shoulder to sob on...as for the guy...well...since I knew them both..I even have to hear out his story. So all this story-hearing brings me back to the oft-discussed, very interesting and quite cliche Eve vs Adam debate.

Eve is always complaining about Adam lacking EQ..or lets just put it this way...his inability to show that he may infact have some EQ. He isn't all ears to her talk...and I think as girls..most of us think 'talking' is OUR prerogative and listening is his...well..there can always be exceptions. Also..he always seems to lack that certain subtlety...I mean...we can't tell when the guy is actually being romantic and when he is just being nice..My ears are in the danger of falling off if I hear another "Oh..he always smiles at me, waves to me and generally asks around...but why the hell hasn't he ever-approached me..I mean..I think he likes me if he's doing all of that...." Its not that...just because somebody is being nice to you doesn't mean he likes you..or rather likes you in the romantic way...It doesn't work like that. I mean...even us girls are NICE to guys...we chit-chat, joke around and all that...but that definitely doesn't mean that we have a thing for the particular guy?! Still, it seems the rules change when it comes to the boys...and that always leads to all the emotional trouble...You know..in love as in life..Buddha offers Nirvana..."Desire is the route to all troubles..desire not have not" period...It'll come if it has to..just don't think so much about it!

Ok..I've spoken so much about us girls...but that doesn't mean that I'm sparing ADAM...the eternal wreck...with the EQ=spoon brain...Or is it just the relationship-factor that makes you become like that...This 4-year-old relationship guy said that he couldn't be with the girl 'cause he was getting "tired" of her..I mean..what the hell?! First you date her...then you propose to her..followed by so many years of dating...and then you just break up...I think people who are SO confused about what they want should really just stay out of the game till they figure out how it works...or feel more prepared for it. Break-ups are Bad...and I think its worse for us girls coz we afterall have the HIGHER emotional quotient. Also..I have one last word for guys who send out the wrong signals...I think you're the son of a >>>>> if you make a girl feel that she's the one..when you're actually just playing games and have no intention on getting serious. period.

Bottomline: My girl-friends think that I should become a woman's rights activist, my guy friends think that I'm being sexist and frankly...I think a. I've been too much of an agony aunt and should move on b. Never date and never feel sorry for not having THE guy in my life :P

2007-04-22T04:27:00.000-07:00

Pesky relatives and week 1
So school's finally started and even though I cannot come to comment on the immense work load and pressure facing me in the coming 16 weeks, I'm happy nevertheless. The classes all turned out surprisingly good and I'm feeling gung-ho about giving my best to all the projects facing me this semester, stick-ups notwithstanding. Lets just hope for the best. For now everything's on a stable coach.
But the problem is a pesky set of 'distant' relatives who have suddenly decided to 'drop by'. The bane of a collectivist culture where relatives are 'always welcome', these annoying people are honestly like plague..as far as I'm concerned and the fact they'll be putting up in my premises makes my blood boil. Gosh...how I'd like to be the lil' 'innocent' kid who gives them a tough time...but NO! much as I detest the situation I still have to be nice..ewww...I hate to be fake. This is just one of the few situations where I have to be. Why can't life be smooth??

2007-04-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

Pieces of poetry..

In the valley of darkness lies a little something...untold it may be but never inconspicious
You see it..but you may choose to ignore it
You may not love it (maybe you do...beneath the superficial clutter)
But you can never hate it..(dislike is rather minor)
You may try to...but you'll never poison it
For its pristine..
and purer than anything you've ever laid your eyes on..
Look a little deeper...
Care a bit more..
Read awhile...
You'll never move on..
Lying in the valley of darkness is a little glass room..
Illuminated by true beauty..
that shines even without any sunlight
Just don't throw any stones...
the heart is fragile and it'll break...
but even when it goes..
It'll shine..
crystal shattering in a world of glass..

2007-04-10T04:54:00.000-07:00

Adapting
Last year, by chance...I landed up taking the "Green Vision" module...But I never regretted it. It gave me an insight into nature's breath-taking ability to adapt by establishing ecosystems...survival games...and ofcourse it provided a breather from the usual mass comm rigarmole.

Recently I was made to remember some of the things I learnt for Green Vision, specifically - Climate change and its consequences. Yes, its been a bit of a regular in the news, but I'm thinking as usual..of how this is so relevent to each one of us...

You see, nature's changing...a little something called Global warming (for the uninitiated)..temperatures everywhere are rising..albiet just a tad...and this rise has contributed to major changes in plant and animal life throughout the globe. Some lie on the brink of extinction, others undergo modifications. Bottomline - they're all adapting.

Yes..adapting...and thats the one valuable personal lesson I take from the wider circumstances. Life is not always pleasent. Situations aren't always easy-pleasy. People are usually not very nice and despite this we need to do what the plant and animal kingdom is doing in the wake of this not-so-pleasent climate change - adapt.

It never was and never will be a cake walk. Bruises to your humility, ego and person are inevitable....sometimes I feel that some situations are a part of some predestined game-plan to deliberately bruise our sentiments, make us suffer and toughen that skin...breaking any rose-tinted glasses. Its cringe-worthy, tearful and miserable...but live through it. I've done so...perhaps (hopefully not) will undergo it in time to come...(such things I find rarely escape...they repeat themselves..whether we like them or not).

Optimism however has proved to me...in the past two decades of this life that there is always light at the end of the tunnel...and that end isn't always as far as we may deem it to be...

So I guess with a touch of optimism, in between all that nervousness, thinking-for-the-future and coping-with-the-present..I'll hit the FINAL study semester here at Ngee Ann...and live through any tough stuff I may have to face...God willing (otherwise!)

2007-04-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

Small rumblings
"Change is the only constant" ..how much ever I hear that, witness that and experience that...I still seem to grumble and have problems with change...and it ceases to leave me...

Take for instance..."back-to-school" routines....since time immemorial I have hated that feeling...of going back to school after leisurely holidays. It always signals change...so you get back...and even though its the same people...things are changed...new time-tables, new classmates, new teachers..people looking different...what with wieght loss, new haircuts yadda yadda....and this is the way it has been..ever since I walked into school...regimentation suffocates me...I can no longer do as I please..sleep & eat whatever and whenever I want..read the latest novel that caught my attention from begining to end just as I please, sit down for some music practise, newspaper reading, painting...whatever....school it seems..takes over my life...and I start craving for that freedom...

I remember wanting to be like Hugh Grant in "About a boy"...ok...my ma thinks that thats like having the ambition to become a wastrel...You know...sometimes for all that self-righteousness, uptightness, seeming seriousness and ambition..I just want to be foot loose and fancy free. Ya well...dream on...I know that this is just a temporary phase..or lets just say the repurcussion of sensing impending change..

Nevertheless...life goes on...and the waves of change keep hitting home...but the beach is long, the scenes surreal in their totality and well the walk...thats inevitable...so walk on and I guess sometime or the other the horizon will reach us and the shores won't be so changeable any more...small rumblings not withstanding ;)

2007-03-29T03:41:00.000-07:00

Today...
Today...I write the 70th post on this blog...today...I feel all muddled..because I begin to realise that in a day's time..my residence will be all mine...I'll be the boss...and I'll be all by myself for an entire week...I've never had that...I've always had someone to do my bidding...if not my family then my friends...ofcourse...I'd love to jazz it up by describing wild in-house parties that I plan to throw...but I'm an absolutely boring, pathetic old maid with no boyfriend, no secret admirer, no social scene, no late nights, no fagging, no booze..no nothing...yes nothing...safe and simple..period...perhaps a pal was right when he casually commented during radio practise..always playing it safe ya megha...well yes..I've always been doing that coz risks haven't paid me well enough...

To top that I'm sort of a recluse basically...and even though I've had (sorry if this sounds immodest to you)...more of what most people seem to want...a posh place, more money than I can spend, a secure family life and a secure friendship..for starters...I've less of what I need....No...not the same old love, care, friends..etc..thats something that comes and goes..literally..thats also what I believe everybody basically wants...but you know..its been an age..since I've wanted somebody... to sit down with and talk....not gossip/whine/any of that shit...talk about issues...talk about books (coincidently..today also marks the end of the 5th straight novel I've read in the holidays), about movies, about concerns on a global scale...about art....basically just have a very comforting yet easy & not made-up intellectual conversation with....and honestly..I don't understand why that somebody up there is being so adamant in NOT making me meet such a person...??!!

Ok...I'm being a nag..but I dunno...I feel really wierd today..really...but whatever I am...I'm not a sore loser..I'm self sufficient...with stuff...plenty of hobbies, a rather decent job...stuff that makes me step out of my slumber, pyjamas and ragged hair into a more presentable form...hmm...lets forget about that flab..aiyoo...

basically...I'm completely confused and wallowing in it...I'm wrapping with school in a while from now...and in most likelihood...I'd be packing my bags soon after...my parents are wanting me to make a quick decision - job...or...degree...and going by my 'assumed' final GPA I don't think I'll have an issue with getting a year/2 off that degree...but then there is the job..but I'm turning 21..soon..and a bit fed-up with the whole...education thing...oh-god..what will I not give to reach a comforting solution to this saga..what will I not give to have "somebody" to basically mull over stuff with....in person...

OK...I'm going a bit..you know...better go for my run...see ya all..in a hopefully..more organised frame of mind..

2007-03-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

Damn Sad!
My friday TT aside....the thing thats making me feel rather off is India's shameful exit from WC 2007..Next edition...2011...well..I don't even wanna think about it..Our team minus all the top guns...Dravid, Tendulkar and Ganguly...I'm so gonna miss them...but I hope that the team can sustain itself..with its younger nucleus, the fresh blood...Gosh...I know this sounds wierd...but you know as Indians, our relationship with cricket can be compared to that between two people with a basically caring, love-hate relationship. We care about our team...yes..we do...in our myriad different lives each individual takes out time to check on the game, we idol worship them, we salute them when they do well but our anguish is barely controllable when they perform shamefully (like loosing to Bangladesh for instance.. and then to SL). Personally, I'm not such an extreme fan..maybe I realise that after all they are human beings and should be allowed to err..WC or no WC...sometimes I also feel that as Indians..we tend to make them nervous with our over-the-top-support..most people atleast. After all ours is an emotional bunch and we are like that...but if something we do isn't right..it isn't. period.

If we're feeling so bad about the boys...I can but imagine how they're feeling about the first round knock out. (Also a knock-out for all the sports bars and advertisers cashing in with them).

A little life lesson: Sometimes we criticise people unthinkingly..no one wants to do things badly..but being human we just have our off days and screw up..no matter how big the occassion. Its as important to look at the other side of things, the opposite situations. Perhaps for once forgiveness and in its light happiness won't be so difficult to come by.

2007-03-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

Life update
Self-select time-tabling sucks..I'd much rather have people prepare my TT for me...while I mull over the bigger stuff...uhmm...hahaha...you know...I'll always remain the pen and paper girl...forever and ever.

The GPA was encouraging...considering that the semester had two, not-so-easy-for-me modules. But I managed to cruise through..after a while...and I'd like to thank Shaheen Aman for all the help in Radio and that individual website..girl you rock! Hope ur having an awesome holiday... And..ya..all the others who chipped in;) So yes..I'm happy academically.

Now my only worry..sorry..anxiety..is how things will shape up once school re-opens..last semester of study..even though the TT is a bit heavy...its the LAST...I'll manage I know...after that..I dunno where I'll do my internship..Tharu's intern woes don't harbour well with me...You know..whatever I look like...I'M NOT A WASH-THE-CUPS & PLATES kinda girl..I'm more a BREAK-THE-CUPS & PLATES kind and you're lucky if its not on you..hahahhaa...Well...lets see...I 'll just stick to good faith :) New classmates aside...I'm wondering about the new teachers...

Ok..lets just get to the bottomline: When you yourself can't do anything...leave it to divine intervention...hahaha...

2007-03-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

The Name of the Game..
Is cricket....and it's at its dream-worthy best at the moment...World Cup 2007.. A time to fantasise and also to let go.

I'm not a sporty personality, but the allure of sport doesn't escape my literary sensitivities and Cricket has been one of the most inspirational games..as far as I'm concerned. If you blame it on my being an Indian...so be it...For their hundred wrongs..the English did one thing right when they left behind the legacy of cricket in our soil. The seeds of that legacy sprouted rich...today the game has an ubiquitous presence in every lane of our mammoth nation and becomes a binding force in a country with a diverse, billion plus population.

The national team is a fine blend of world class acts- be it batting or bowling...I've always found inspiration in the unrelenting attitude of Tendulkar who doesn't give up the game despite more than a decade with it (he started at 16 and shall turn 34 this year)..a decade replete with harrowing injuries, a cracked finger in the leg and I don't know what else. Then there is the fiery dada (big brother)..Saurav Ganguly. If there is a man who can scream, wear his heart on his sleeve and still look like he can decimate the best attack and win a match..its him. I frankly don't like people like that but Ganguly brings on an all new rawness to the game, traditionally called the Gentleman's haunt. Last, but most definitely not the least is Rahul Dravid. I'll candidly confess that he somewhat fits the ideal man image in my mind. Reticence in a man, I'll admit, is a quality that I rarely find and that which I most admire. You can remain mature, perhaps a bit boring with text-book perfection and a natural pull to the convention and still exude that something which makes you endearing...makes you a winner in your own right. When he came to the game..Dravid was written off but today he captains a side that is capable of virtually anything...setting records included...very much.

Whatever be the case...all the gentlemen aside...its the game thats the biggest of 'em all. I may support India, but I more than respect the Australian Juggernaut, the Kiwi class, the English sophistication (minus the Flintoff saga and drinking woes), the Pakis (but not at their current abyssmal form..loosing to Ireland is a shame!)...well..its an endless affair with the game..and the WC marks its biggest day out.

This WC is a time to retrospect and bid adieu. Generations move on...People die out...and new ones come in..the game of cricket like the game of life..moves on. This WC may be the first for the likes of Dhoni, Plunkett, Panesar..relatively unknown names. But its the last for some of my favourite guys....Ganguly, Dravid, Tendulkar, Lara, Ponting, Jayasuriya, Inzamam..I dunno what it will be without them. But hopefully their legacy shall live on...

Also on a side note...a minute in silence to the late Bob Woolmer...English batsman and paki coach who just passed away.

Eat, drink and breathe cricket...there are people who can die for the game and others to whom it is second nature...and then there are those..who stand on the sidelines...aside from the action...soak in the overalls and cherish the finer aspects of the big game.
PS: I'm having a moment..excuse any muddle...but you can be sure that in the current WC euphoria I'm in-tune with..there shall be more on Cricket..and more so..cricket and life:)

2007-03-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

Learning a lesson in humility
You know how..we go through life always being told to count our blessings, seeing bare-footed people when our own shoes are torn, peering deeper into the character of people and appreciating their goodness rather than criticising their bad points..yada yada..I've been through it. Honestly..some of these moral science lessons used to get to me. Why can't I just do what I want? Openly smack people in the face, shout at them, scream and give 'em a piece of my mind? Afterall, I've also been taught that honesty is the best policy. If I haven't liked the behaviour of a certain someone..can't I just let them know..instead of cursing them under my breath..what good lies in pretending, yeah?!

But it was a few years from now that I had one of the most profound lessons in humility, on this count...it dates back to our times in Mumbai...

Now...the thing about living in a condo is that whether you like it or not..you always find yourself with neighbours..and in India neighbours are usually nosy sorry..sociable...and there's a mutual give and take. So we were kinda used to it..but there was this lady in the condo who dunno for what reason had a major thing against me. Her behaviour was most rude. In the begining, I tried being respectful (she was my mom's age) and greeting her in lifts and taking stuff for her on my mother's request. But everytime she gave me a very cold look and kinda turned away..as though I was harming/hurting her in some way. I hadn't encountered such behaviour before and my reaction wasn't the most mature either. Payback time aunty...

So I adamantly refused to have to do anything with that lady, gave her the total cold shoulder and made it more than pronounced that if you aren't gonna respect me..I ain't gonna respect you either..period. I think she got the hint. Went and asked my mother...whats with Meghaa...something I did didn't go down well with her? Ya right...using my mother's bait..conniving old lady.. Unfortunately it worked and mom decided to question me...that was like virtually unknown...what the hell...why was my mother listening to that lady. Nevertheless...I was told to apologise...so after procrastinating and thinking for days..I decided to go over and apologise and come back within minutes to switch on the TV and watch any crap to forget the shrug-replete moment.

Trust me..going over cleared a lot of dust. The lady didn't really harbour any dislike for me...just that I always reminded her of her son! Before you get thinking otherwise..actually..she had a son who was my age...but thanks to a developmental disorder at birth he did not grow much older and his mental and physical growth ended at 7 years...and now the guy was nearly going to die..even as I write I think he may just be....Life-cycles aren't the same for everyone...Indeed..one look and you could tell the pain she felt..the fella was 17..but his faculties were 7..He had a mature looking face but the rest of him was on a pram...his body was so fragile he couldn't really support himself. I just stared..and stared...and stared..in disbelief..After that day..I couldn't bring myself to say anything about that lady. Sometimes..we can't just touch upon the pain others feel.

I made friends with the chap..it was very wierd...coz it almost felt like playing with an adult-baby. Applied psychology used like never before....He liked to play with G.I Joes and toy cars. He also liked going out and his care-taker and I would take him out, he would hold both our hands and walk..step..by step.

Somewhere in the wierdness, I could feel her pain..and it humbled me to know however I was/am...God has atleast been kind enough in giving me what I have. Sometimes we take for granted the simplest of things and humility is nothing but appreciating just those.

2007-03-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

Wisecracks on Race and racism..
Before you even think about it..let me clarify...this is not a racist, sledging-contest entry. period. It is but a very personal reflection on something fundamental that has dawned upon me in recent years.

Growing up in the metropolis in India, I never came across RACE as an issue and racism was nothing more than a serious but distant issue. Read: distant. While news reports on it did play with my intellectual curiosities, they never really made me retrospect much. As far as I was concerned...I was in India and everything that surrounded me was...Indian!! No worries there...afterall, all said and done..these were people just like me...or atleast who appeared, in their physical makeup, pretty much like moi.

I know the whole brouhaha about north indians looking different from south indians and west indians and well all that jazz. I've heard about it and I've encountered it first hand (ironically in Singapore). But honestly, as a person...I'd much rather see the individual differences among people rather than their superficiality. India is a diverse land...I think the title..!ncredible India that the tourism board has come up with is very true. India is incredible. period. I'm not saying that because I'm an Indian but because of the established fact...there is no country in the world that has the kind of diversity India offers. 26 states, not including the Union territories...and each state you visit..is like visiting another country - its totally different..and in fact..each city in each state, is a more accurate way of putting it.

Let me offer you a small example before moving on. I hail from Mumbai, the capital city of Maharashtra. Now life in Mumbai is totally urban. People are better educated. Jobs are more glamorous (so to say), salaries are excellent..everything else follows. But move into the outskirts of Mumbai..into some of the smaller cities and its not that happening. Honestly..I've had experiences..the differences are stark and people incomparable. Thanks to all my travelling..within my own country..I've become better at accepting differences and instead of appearances, I try looking into the individuality of people....but that I realise is totally different from when you move out and experience racial differences for the first time.

In Mumbai, my only contact with foriegners (so to say!) was thanks to my father's job. We met people from all over the world..France, Germany, Britain, China, Australia, Korea, Japan...literally everywhere. Their different facial and physical make-up admittedly perplexed me at first. I felt conscious around them and in that..more aware of myself. But after those 2-3 hours of meeting and sharing post-stuff with ma, all would be forgotten. Growing up, it dawned on me that they felt the same way. That was the end of my anxiety. But it was the begining of a lesson.....

..Something that has only strengthened after this move to Singapore and travels to other countries. You learn to respect and emulate the best they have as well as gain a greater respect for your own share of the best and that is experiential learning that nothing can beat.
Honestly...one of the first things that struck me about life in Singapore.."My god! where am I...all the people here look so different from me!" I guess it was natural. Perhaps if a Chinese were to go to India..they too would have a similar reaction..haha. Its not really racism...its just getting struck by the immediate difference.

I won't stretch this any longer . But the little thing that struck me was the variety that can be found around the globe and the diversity of it's population. In retrospect..no one is good or bad..we're just different. Either we accept that greater truth, embrace it and learn from it...all for our own betterment. Or we just generalise, differentiate, criticise and get on with being racists..Everyone has racist tendencies. We all have made wisecracks on other races, for pete's sake Russell Peters has made an entire career taking digs at various races..more so his own! But the point is not falling into the negative stereotype trap and spoiling our chances of gaining rich insights into other cultures...for a few cheap thrills and imbecile laughter. period.

A good friend of mine spent a few years in France and she said that she took back an awesome ton of great recipes from her french friends not to mention - the bigger share of intellectual learning. Just the other day we were talking, and I was telling her...till now...the one Singaporean thing that I've picked up is Singlish and I'm still contemplating where to put it..My friend who's currently in a plush magazine job said after I spoke a lil spattering of Singlish -"Sweet heart its great that you've learnt something from the local culture and I hope it stands you in good stead but just a suggestion...please complete your sentences with all the required prepositions, conjunctions and articles, in all job-situations,...unless you have a good mind on getting fired"...hahaha...wa lau!

2007-03-13T06:19:00.000-07:00

A Long time since...
Haven't blogged in a LONG while...not because I was being lazy or anything...but thanks to a technical mess up that almost got rid of this blog...haha...non-technic ol' me....and so fated is this day...I managed to get my blog back..just as I was watching a debate on THE ARENA- bloggers are becoming more influencial than journalists!

Well I'm just happy about procuring my blog and as for the stance...I would vouch for journalists..even as I blog..mostly because journalism is more credible than blogging (mine included)...what do I have here...just a lil' online diary where I express personal thoughts and opinions with a tagboard which is mostly used (or shall I say misused) by people who wanna leave meaningless tags?! Now that in my vocabulary is NOT influence..getting the inexpensive thrill of being a (extremely) small-time publisher with no gate-keeper..thats the key statement...I guess.

2007-02-28T23:39:00.000-08:00

Just a lil' something
If you happen to be on holiday...or even a little free..take the time and read this book:
"Small Miracles Extraordinary Coincidences from Everyday Life"
It makes for a really worthwhile read!
Gotta go, do my thing..I'm stuck with a PR job...yet again!!

2007-02-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

With Hope in my heart..
I was watching an episode of 'MTV Made', in which this really HUGE (not-so-goodlooking) guy wanted to be crowned Prom King in his final year at high school. Now thats a really wild-dream..considering that he was: fat (373 pounds), not handsome, walked with a wierd bent of the legs and black...But still...with the help of the crew he managed to shed a great amount of wieght, get a decent girl and was crowned Prom King.
A fairytale ending..ain't it? Most of us innately desire that for ourselves....landing a dream-job and finding our soul-mate.

But fortunately or unfortunately things don't always shape up the way we want them to...I have this friend (Jess..may've mentioned her before) and she is subject to really bad luck with the boys!! From the time she was 15, this not-so-bad looking girl has been looking high and dry for 'the guy'...hahaa..no she ain't desperate..just that Jess LOVES attention and what better than COOL DUDE arm candy??!! Just that a majority of the guys she has dated were either - not so good-looking or -empty headed-.....the guys Jess liked...were either - too shy - or -totally not into her-..I mean...the guy that she really liked was quite a cool dude. Just that he was seen with most girls save her :(..hahaha...and unfortunately..she had me for agony aunt...Now I'm not meant to dish advice on such stuff...coz I'm really not in tune with such stuff, I've some traits of a woman's rights activist and sometimes I tend to put stuff...a bit...unthinkingly...or should I say..bluntly...and thats just not for jilted lovers :P. So I may've poured Iodine over your wounds many a times pal..(sorry about that!)

But the whole point is...sometimes what we crave for and run after may not just be the thing for us...afterall...in all honesty we're not living a reel dream on Music Television, entertaining people who want that kinda entertainment..are we? So I've been telling my pal to stop running after 'the boy'. He'll come if and when he has to. I've told myself the same thing many a times when I've faced failure or been upset about stuff I've done or gone through. Sometimes its best to let go...let God. Honestly.

'Faith is the mover of mountains and hope its inspiration' ...thats the one profound truth behind the achievements in our life. You just need to look closer.